I Can’t Let You Go 19

::NINETEEN::

“Spill it, Vetter.” Alvarez hasn’t stopped grinning at me, leering actually, since he got into the car. I look over at him, deciding whether I should say anything or not, whether I want to share this feeling with anyone else right now. To say I felt like a kid at Christmas would be an understatement. I grin back at him, closing my eyes to try to deal with this lightheadedness, and knowing it’s not going to work. I’m going to be feeling like this for a while.

“I decided to take your advice, and take some time off, Alvarez. A week or so. I’ll put in for it a little later today, you think they’ll go for it?” Even the thought of all the paperwork I’ll have to fill out for getting that kind of time off doesn’t faze me. His smile is genuine when I look over at him again, as he parks the car in the back of the lot.

“I’ll push for it on my end, but I don’t see why there would be a problem with it. It’s one of the many joys of staying under the radar here, no one notices when you’re here and no one notices when you’re gone.” He lets out one of those snorts of laughter reserved for irony, as he gets out of the car. “I’m guessing you’re not going by yourself?” The leer is back as he says it. “You can’t very well have a dirty weekend by yourself.”

I laugh at him before answering, actually starting to feel myself blush, and feeling ridiculous for it. “Yeah, I asked her if she’d go with me.” I look out across the parking lot, my belly full of butterflies and my hands jammed in my pockets, trying to keep them still. In my heart I shouted it, but it came out quiet, like the sound of her answer, ‘yes’, so loud on the inside that I can’t hear anything else.

“I’m guessing she agreed?” He didn’t come back with a smart ass comment, and didn’t leer at me. Patting me hard on the back, his hand resting for just a moment on my shoulder, as I nodded, the only answer I could give at the moment, being still too happy to speak.

“Any idea where you’re going to take her?” Alvarez reaches out, hitting the elevator button for the basement, rather than our floor, after we go through security.

“Jeanette’s from Seattle, I was figuring she’d like to visit, and I’d like to spend a couple of days back in LA. Go to the beach.” I can’t fight the softness in my voice when I think about her sitting on the beach with me somewhere, so I don’t bother. Alvarez could read me like a book anyway, so it would be pointless.

Alvarez talks quietly to the dour faced woman behind the glass screen who wheels her chair over to a bank of file cabinets, coming back with a sheaf of papers. Which he proceeds to hand to me, laughing all the while. It’s a lot of paper. “This is revenge for the kazoos, isn’t it?”

He slaps me on the back as we make our way back to our own floor. “Yeah, Vetter. Yeah, it is.” We grab coffee and sandwiches first, from the lunch room. “I’ll help you with it, you just have to pick the day.”

“Give me a minute, Alvarez.” I hadn’t even thought about an actual day to get started. “Hello, ‘Nette.” I turn my chair around, knowing I’m smiling like a fool on the phone and not being able to help it. Her voice is a little deeper, a little sexier, on the phone. I could listen to her all day.

I’m nervous the minute I know I have to ask her again, nervous that she might have changed her mind since I asked her the first time. Maybe she’s thought about it. Maybe it’s too soon. Alvarez’s gaze burrows into the back of the chair, as I drag out asking her, letting her talk to me. Swallowing hard, fidgeting with the pen and paper in my lap, I dredge up the nerve to ask. “I was booking time off, ‘Nette. Do you know when you’d like to go with me?”

The silence felt like forever, the seconds drawing out painfully. The sound of her voice again, sounding distant, as she turns to someone else to speak. Asking Dan when she can go. It feels like days passing. Days where I can’t breathe, and I can’t move. Listening, straining, to hear Dan on the other side of the phone. He says it’s up to her, that he’ll work around anything she wants to do. Anything she wants. Please let her still want to.

My eyes close as I sigh softly in audible relief at the beautiful sound of her voice on the phone again. I look down at the piece of paper on my lap, flipping it over quickly, mortified to discover I’ve been aimlessly doodling hearts on the page the entire time, like a schoolgirl.

“Dan says he’ll work around whenever you can get the time off, Sean.” I can almost hear her shy smile on the other side of the phone, picturing her playing with her hair. I close my eyes again, thinking of the silken feel of it sliding across my own fingers, it’s quiet whisper.

“It’s Saturday now. We could leave Friday?” Alvarez just kicked the back of my chair, hard enough to make the pad of paper with it’s ridiculous hearts fall to the floor. I kick it under the desk before turning to face him. He’s holding up a piece of paper with the word Tuesday written across it. How can I arrange everything by Tuesday? “Wait, Alvarez says…is Tuesday all right, ‘Nette?” It’s too soon, she’ll never agree. It’ll be difficult and she’ll back out. I pinch the skin between my eyes, trying hard not to be mad at Alvarez for writing it, or at myself for saying it out loud. The knot in my chest tightens a little more, at her voice grown distant again, talking to Dan. I don’t even hear it anymore, my racing heart drowning out everything.

She laughs softly when she comes back on, and I can hear her voice shake, just a little. “T..Tuesday’s okay.” She lets out a soft sigh. The scrape of a chair. “Do you know where you wanted to take me?”

Her question takes my breath away. Where I want to take her. Putting her trust in me so completely. “I was thinking you might like to visit your family in Seattle for a bit.” I had to cough to cover the sound of my shaking voice, but I got the words out.

She laughs a little harder before answering. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Sean. I would like to visit Seattle again though, but maybe for just a day or two?” Her voice trails away at the end, softening with her own question.

She had said she was a hellion growing up, I wonder if her family holds some sort of grudge? When I’m near Jeanette I can’t imagine anyone not loving her. The idea that someone could make her uncomfortable upsets me, especially if it’s her family. “I’d like to take you to LA, ‘Nette.” To be on the beach with me. To let her meet with Hicks and Candice and little Rachel. To meet my mom. I’d like to visit with Stacy too.

“So two days in Seattle, and…” Alvarez is poking the back of my head with a pen to get my attention. Holding up another piece of paper with the number six on it. “And six days in LA? We could go Tuesday and be back Wednesday?” The phone cord is twisted into a knot in my hands.

“That sounds wonderful, I, I don’t really know what to say, Sean.” She sounds shy again, and I can almost see her pulling her bottom lip in to nibble it. I’m never going to make through the rest of the day if I keep thinking of her like that.

“I’ll arrange what I can here, and then we can figure out the rest when I pick you up after work. Will Dan keep you until seven?” The soft knock, as she puts the phone down to look for Dan. I hold the phone against my shoulder, and run my hands over my face. “He’s going to let me go at four, after the last rush from the University gets out.”

“I’ll be there to pick you up at four, ‘Nette.” I held the phone a little after we said ‘I love you’, like I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to hang up or what to do next. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of planning ahead of me, I let out an audible groan, resting, more like hitting, my head on the desk, and finally breathing.

Alvarez, true to his word, helped me with the paperwork, even down to arranging for a military plane to take us on the short hop from El Paso to Seattle, so we wouldn’t be spending time driving. All the planning had seemed insurmountable when I first looked at it, but Alvarez seems to be genuinely enjoying himself. Just a phone call here and there, as we went through the normal routine of our day, and before long I had accommodations booked, and a car rented, to meet us at the airport.

The itinerary written down on a piece of paper looks so solid, so final, the plan made. On Tuesday, Jeanette and I will be leaving. I close my eyes to fight another wave of nervousness, folding the paper and putting it in my pocket so I won’t keep looking at it. So I won’t keep thinking about it. I still have three hours to go before I see her.
—

“So what’s the deal with Holloway?” I waited until we were outside, sitting across the street eating lunch before I asked about the detective that had gone to question Jeanette. It’s not like I had forgotten him, I just had too many other things to think about that were far more important.

“This isn’t a case with the cops either, Vetter. Nobody wants to touch this thing officially, at least not yet. You can bet your life that the minute the arrests start everyone will get interested.” He laughs out loud around a mouthful of sandwich, his smile genuine. “Holloway’s been a detective a long time, I’ve ran into him, and my informants have had dealings with him. He sees things a little differently than your average cop, he isn’t always looking for the easiest answer, and knows when to not pay attention to the line.”

In other words, he was like Alvarez himself. “Jeanette had said he wanted to talk to her ‘off the record’ about the shooting before Dan intervened and locked her in the office.” I grin around my coffee cup, remembering her temper, and that spark of fire in her eyes when she let it out.

“Holloway first got interested when Vega’s two dealers got shot, he was at the scene with the coroner, also ‘off the record’. He knows about the heroin tie in, and is a little surprised that the DEA isn’t more involved than it is, it’s got him very curious. I didn’t want to fill him in on the particulars.” Even though this whole mess is dirty, neither one of us really wants to air the DEA’s dirty laundry. “I told him Jeanette doesn’t know anything, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. He won’t be bothering her again, Vetter.”

“Good. I don’t want her mixed up in any of this mess.” Another reason I’m glad to be taking her away for a while. Maybe when we get back all of this will have blown over. “Maybe you should lay low for a little bit too, Alvarez, maybe go on a vacation of your own.”

He looks off into the distance, his expression a mixture of serenity and hardness. “I stay under the radar all the time, Vetter. Some people may think it’s because I’m stupid, or slow on the uptake. I watch everything, because if I can see it before it comes, then it’ll never touch me or mine. I don’t care about getting my name in the papers. Let some rookie agent that thinks that kind of risk is glamourous play that game. I just watch, and do what I can. Maybe it’s not much.”

“But sometimes it’s enough.” I finish it for him. Sometimes it’s enough. I was that rookie at one point. “You going to meet up with Holloway after?”

“I’m going to meet up with him for coffee a little later, maybe decide how much I want to fill him in. I hate dancing with the cops, Vetter. They’re always grabbing your ass and standing on your toes, no finesse.” It’s a shared joke that I’m guessing anyone that had to work with ‘civilians’ would understand.

“I get the feeling Holloway is a different sort of cop all together.” The man was serious, to the point of being grim. “You’re going to take precautions.”

Alvarez looks over at me, just a quick glance. That same brutal hardness in the man, reminding me that sometimes I underestimate him as well. “It’s already been arranged, there’s no way I’d meet with him without some sort of backup, and he sure as hell isn’t going to talk to me officially. I think he’s legit, Vetter. I took a look at his record. He’s been involved in all the wrong sort of cases, nothing flash.”

No arrests just for the sake of arrests he means. Holloway’s not in it to make a name for himself either. I pull at some of the dry grass between my boots, fidgeting. “You’re going to keep in touch with me, when I’m away, to let me know you’re all right?” I felt stupid the minute I said it, but I didn’t care, the man is my friend, one of the very few real ones I have, and I didn’t like the thought of leaving him in the middle of this.

He watches me for a second before nodding, the both of us content to leave it at that. “If all of this gets to be too much, will you leave for a while?”

“Adriana and I have had a plan in place for years, if anything goes bad. She’s to take the kids and run, and I’ll follow her when it’s safe. It’s never come up though. We’re not as important as they like to make us out to be.” He’s pointing back at the office when he says it. I guess it’s true. We make our own trouble.
—

I have a little over half an hour at home by myself before I have to go pick up Jeanette. She hasn’t been here long but already the house sounds strange and quiet without her here. Washing her coffee cup and leaving it on the counter next to mine. Putting her pajamas back at the foot of the bed after changing the sheets and making the bed. Looking at the little things that she’s left here, that I’ve asked her to leave here. I sit on the edge of the bed holding her pajamas, the warm smell of her in my nose, her light perfume, and the smell of her skin, after moving all of my shirts over. The empty spot in the closet looks strange, without a woman’s things there. I never had to plan for living with Stacy, it just happened that way. I moved into her apartment first, and all her things were already there. I never really had to think about making a space for her, and now I’m deliberately making room in my life, in my home, in me, for Jeanette.

Jeanette meets me out front, sitting at one of the small tables out front, and I realize she’s done it on purpose. She’s made a point to sit out there. I watch her for a second as I pull up. Watching her tension, her eyes closed. Maybe someone else wouldn’t think she was tense, but I’ve spent so much time watching every little thing she does. Her slender hands pull at the hem of her shirt, before her eyes open again, her face breaking into a beautiful smile at seeing me here. She’s smiling for me.

Her hair flies up and she lets out a surprised giggle, as I pick her up off her feet to kiss her. I don’t care who notices. She’s beautiful, and she was waiting here for me. Our hands tangle together with a will of their own, my thumb stroking over hers. I feel lighter that I ever have in my life. She’s mine, and she’s leaving with me.

She blushes, her fingertips nervously tucking her hair behind her ear, as I take the small plastic bag from her as I help her into the car. “I didn’t ask first, I…”

“I want you to stay with me, ‘Nette.” More than a night, more than a weekend. More than a vacation. The light trace of a blush still on her cheeks, her head drops, her smile wide and radiant again. “I want you to stay.” I say it again, kissing her hair, as I put her bag down on the bed, and finding a hanger for her skirt. I might not have an iron anywhere in the house, but I can offer that.

I find her a sweatshirt to wear and make coffee, and go sit with her out on the back porch. We sit and listen to the rain for a while, and avoid mentioning our trip, my stomach tightening into knots every time I think of going away with her. She rests her head against my shoulder, letting out a deep contented sigh, her coffee cup balanced on her chest. I brush her hair back out of my sweatshirt, my fingertips tracing the outer shell of her ear.

“Tuesday.” There is a small shy grin on her face as she says it. My breath fans out over her ear as I pull her a little closer.

“We can be in Seattle by Tuesday afternoon, ‘Nette.”

She tilts her head up to look at me, kissing my jaw as she does it. “We’re not driving?”

“Military transport. One of the perks of the job. Alvarez worked it out.” She looks nervous the moment I’ve said it, and it hits me. Her husband John was in the military. “We could rearrange it, and take a civilian flight, ‘Nette. I forgot about John, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not that. I’ve never been on a plane before.” She kisses me a little harder, her hand resting on my jaw. “Thank you for thinking about it, though. How much left is there to plan?”

“I have to call Hicks, my old partner, and tell him we’ll be visiting.” I squeeze her hard as I say it, the thought of bringing her ‘home’ with me making me grin into her neck. “I should probably call my mom too, she’d probably like to meet you. Alvarez pretty much took care of the rest. Do you need anything before we go?”

“I should probably call my parents, but I think I’ll put that off to the very last minute.” She’s laughing out loud as she says it. I want to ask, but I don’t want to hurt her or make her sad.

“I probably need to pick up something to wear at the beach, and I have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, it’s nothing serious.” Her hand reaches up to rub the knotted up spot between my eyebrows, smiling up at me. “I have to see my gynecologist. Unless you LIKE having to use condoms all the time.”

My voice is quiet, and, I’m ashamed to say, a little confused. “Oh, I see.” But I didn’t see. Stacy always took care of birth control, and I never really had to think about it, until lately that is. As Stacy never got pregnant, it just never really occurred to me to deal with it. I don’t want it to be that way with Jeanette. “No. I don’t really understand. Tell me, ‘Nette.” I buried my nose against the skin of her neck, feeling awkward.

How could she not feel the heat of my face against her neck? She waited a half a breath, her hand reaching up to stroke the back of my neck. “I’ve always used a diaphragm. I just haven’t had a need for it for the past couple of years.”

“Does it work well for you? It doesn’t make you sick?” Hicks told me once about Candice getting really sick from taking pills. I don’t want her to be sick.

“It works fine, Sean, and no, it won’t make me sick. I haven’t had to put one in in a while though. I hope you can catch.” She lets out a mad giggle, but I feel awkward enough and I don’t ask.

I take a deep breath, knowing my voice is going to catch no matter what. “If you got pregnant, I’d stay with you, I’d be with you, no matter what, you know that, right?” It’s funny, I had said nearly the exact same thing to Stacy, almost the first time we made love. She never got pregnant of course, but it didn’t change how much I meant it. How much I mean it now.

“Thank you.” Her voice is little more than a whisper.

I nuzzle over the sensitive skin behind her ear until she smiles again, I’m laughing with her. “Anything else serious we’ve skipped over, ‘Nette?”

She takes another small sip of her coffee, before turning and grinning at me. “I’m grouchy when I have my period.”

It’s hard to picture her grouchy, even though I have seen her mad already. “Do you throw things?” I start laughing the minute I’ve said it. She snorts softly, turning to look at me, with a puzzled look on her face. “Stacy used to fire coffee cups at my head, and tell me she hated me for having a penis. You’re not that bad are you?”

We’re both laughing pretty hard at that. It’s strange to think of Stacy, to talk about her so openly like this, and be able to laugh. I had forgotten about the coffee cups. She’s used to always buy these big heavy coffee cups. I dreaded it, knowing her period was coming, and one of those cups was going to get fired at me. Fortunately her aim was terrible but every once in a while, she’d catch me with one of them. It’s strangely comforting to find that funny now.

I wait, watching her until she has a mouth full of coffee, before I reach forward, showing her the little scar I have over my right ear. “She caught me with one of them, right here…..”

Jeanette’s laugh isn’t so much a laugh as it is a squeak, her body hunched over her coffee cup, her face red as coffee shoots out of her nose. “Oh! That was hot! THAT’S why she threw the cups at your head!”

She’s laughing so hard she has barely any strength left, but I let her push me over anyways, the both of us lying back on the porch. I wipe a spot of coffee from under her nose that she’s missed, making the both of us crack up again.

“I love you, ‘Nette.” It took her a little longer to stop laughing enough to lean over, and kiss me gently. “I love you too.”

“Let’s go get you a bikini while we can still find somewhere that’s open. You can show me later.”

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