::THIRTY THREE::

It’s already late, the sun slanting through a small gap in the curtains in a ray of pale light across the foot of the bed. She had kicked the sheets and blankets off her in her sleep and the band of light fell over her ankles in a ribbon. I’ve been awake for an hour already, with her cuddled to my chest. When she stirred I caressed her back to sleep, braced on my elbow behind her. She would purr and cuddle closer to me, her back curled into my chest. “Good morning, beautiful.” Her back stretches one way and then the other, like a cat, even her toes curl.

“This is nice, Sean.” She pulls my arm tighter across her chest to just under her chin, laughing softly as she snuggles closer to me. “Have you been awake long?” Her voice is sleepy, sleepy and sexy, but all I want to do is hold her close to me.

“About an hour or so. You’re beautiful when you sleep.” I pulled her tighter to me when she moved, trying to turn onto her back. I held her still against my chest, kissing her neck and nuzzling through her hair. “Let me just hold you a little longer. I love holding you like this, ‘Nette.” She turns just enough to grin at me before letting me curl closer to her.

“You watch me sleep?” Her question is a murmur, lilting up at the end, her curiosity sincere. She sleeps so soundly it’s doubtful she knew how much I watched her, how much I liked to.

“I watch you every morning, ‘Nette. You’re beautiful when you sleep.” I hold my arm around her chest a little tighter and bury my nose in her hair. “Except when you slobber….” Laughing, and trying to hold her still, keeps me from saying anything else.

“I…gah! I. Do. NOT! Slobber!” Every word is punctuated with her squiggling against me in a vain attempt to break free, probably to clobber me. She’s not very successful and it probably doesn’t help that she’s laughing now too. Laughing and patting the pillow for signs of slobber. “No…I don’t drool. Do I?”

I shake my head no at her, nuzzling in her hair and still grinning at her. We’ve managed to finish kicking everything else off the bed and she relaxes just a little, cuddling back up to me, her skin turning to gooseflesh where I’m not pressed against her.

I rest my chin on top of her head to get a better look at the clock under the TV, noticing it’s nearly ten. “I don’t want to get out of bed, ‘Nette, but our flight’s in about an hour and a half.” She squiggles a little more and this time I let her roll over onto her back to lie beside me. My hand moves from cupping her breast, tracing a fingertip over her jaw as I look down at her. I love watching her sleep, but I love waking up with her even more. She’s sleepy and rumpled, everything about her soft and sweet, and playful when she wakes up. “I like waking up beside you.”

“Even if I slobber all over you?” She never drools. She hogs the blankets, and puts her cold feet on me. She makes maddening little moaning purring noises in her sleep that turn me on, and she likes to sleep late. But she doesn’t drool.

“Especially if you promise to keep slobbering on me.” I lean in to kiss her gently, cupping her jaw. My fingers tangled in her hair, brushing a strand away from her face. “You make it hard to get out of bed, ‘Nette.” I let out a sigh before sitting up beside her, my legs over the side of the bed. “You jump in the shower first, beautiful. I’ll pack up everything.”

She runs her hands through her hair as she pads silently to the bathroom, her sleep tangled mane of dark hair sweeping across her back as she walks. I should have woken her up sooner. No, we’d never get to the plane in time, and we’ll definitely miss it if I keep thinking like that.

I quickly dress in the last of my clean clothes, laughing to myself a little. A laugh I don’t think most people would get, as I stuff dirty clothes into the bag. After Stacy, I wasn’t much use for anything. Hicks and Candice would drop in and haul laundry from wherever I had thrown it and wash my clothes at their house, and now here I was going to pay them a visit with not only my laundry but someone else’s. Hicks would laugh, but I’m not sure Candice would. I think she got fed up with it pretty quickly. Maybe I’d have to see if the hotel had a laundry service.

I pack up the red blanket and the candles, the massage oil, the books for Alvarez and the boys, and the souvenirs we picked up at the Space Needle. A kid took our picture, as we stood together looking out over the mountains. I guess he was looking to hustle a couple of bucks out of it. He asked for five, and I gave him ten once I saw it. It was just a polaroid, but it made my throat tighten to look at it, the both of us together there. I didn’t even think to bring a camera. I slip the photo into one of the books Jeanette bought, so it won’t get damaged.

I left Jeanette’s bag undone, so she can get dressed when she gets out, smiling to myself as I write her a note on the motel stationary. I still don’t know what to write, so I settle for ‘I love you’, and tuck it into the front pocket of her hoody, where she’ll find it when she gets dressed.

Her skin is still warm and glows a soft pink, and her hair smells like strawberries again when I kiss her, passing on the way to clean up. A couple of minutes under an icy cold spray; there’s enough hot water but a cold shower is what I’ll need after seeing her naked again.

Her giggle gave me barely enough warning before she was flying through the bathroom door, fully dressed, with my note in her hand. Her fierce kiss did catch me off guard, a passionate and fiery kiss that made it hard to breathe afterwards. Until we both started laughing anyway. Shaving cream. “If you keep kissing me like that, I’ll never stop writing those for you.” She’s still laughing softly, her face alight with her radiant smile, and her fading blush. Her mouth opens, and closes, like she’s struggling to find something to say and can’t, she doesn’t know where to begin. She clutches the note, still in her hand, holding it over her heart, before leaving me alone to finish shaving. Sometimes she doesn’t even need to say anything to give me butterflies.

We checked out of the motel, and I threw the bags in the back of the car, driving quietly to the small airstrip, drinking the coffee we had picked up on the way. That same comfortable feeling between us, holding hands as I drove. She turns to look out the window as the car drives out from under the shelter of trees, the fog fading into tatters in the shafts of sunlight. That small enigmatic smile curls up the corner of her mouth. To someone else, maybe it wouldn’t be much of a smile, but I know that her Mona Lisa smile is for the things that she could never put into words that make her happy. She’s holding my hand, on vacation with me, with a love note from me still in the pocket of my hoody that she’s wearing. I’m the one that’s making her smile like that. Me.

“Penny for your thoughts, Sean?” She’s smiling at me again, her thumb stroking over mine. The driver behind me honked to get me moving, before the light turned red again. I had drifted away for a minute, watching her.

“I’m happy you agreed to do this with me, to go on vacation with me.” I kissed her hand again, before dropping it so that I could give the security guard at the airstrip my ID.

She turns towards me, unhooking her seatbelt to do it. “I’ve never done anything like this before.” She’s blushing and her voice is quiet and I know that if I were to reach out and put my hand over her heart, that it would be racing. She’s nervous and happy and excited.

When we first flew here she said it was her first time in a plane, she’s never flown anywhere, but I don’t think she’s talking about flying. “You’ve never been on a vacation before, or…you’ve never gone, been…”

“No one’s ever asked me before.” She tucks her hair behind her ear, and fidgets with the hem of my hoody, and last but not least, her lip. Her tongue traces a quick line that seems to take forever along the inside curve of her lip, something I’d never see if I wasn’t looking. Her teeth pull her bottom lip, starting from the middle, and pulling along it slowly until only the corner is left, the bow of her lip darker for the pressure. I could watch that every day and never get tired of it and never stop thinking of it as sexy. “And I….I trust you, Sean. I have from that first day, when you wanted to walk me to the bus stop so that I would be safe. I trust you.”

I park the car in the drop off zone, and turn to her, watching her blush furiously. My knuckle under her chin has her look up as I lean in to kiss her, a soft sweet kiss. I say what I can with my kiss, because I have no idea how to say it in words, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. “Maybe we could do this again?” Maybe every year.

“I’d like that. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to flying though.” That tiny smile pulls up the corner of her mouth again, enough to let me know just how deeply happy she is.

“Next time, you get to pick the place, we don’t have to fly if you don’t want to.” I know my heart is beating as fast as hers. We’re talking about sharing vacations together, not just a one time thing, but about something that could be a year away. She returns my gentle kiss, her hand trembling before it settles along my jaw. Neither one of us can say anything so we don’t, we didn’t need to.

The plane’s getting ready to leave, and I call Hicks before we get seated, to let him know we would be about an hour, so he could meet us at the airstrip. It’s a smaller plane this time, and I know it will be louder. Her hand holds mine tightly as the engines start up and she doesn’t need to say it, I know she’s scared. She trusts me, and did from the day I first met her. Her eyelashes flutter against my neck when she leans in to me, one hand stroking over her hair and the other around her protectively.

“We’ve got less than an hour, but this is a sort of a public place. Do you want to try out that fantasy of yours here, ‘Nette?” I knew she’d say no, but that spark flew into her eyes as she laughed and looked up at me. “Yeah, we’d need more than an hour, you’re right.” Her face flushes pink but that spark hasn’t died in her eyes, if anything it’s gotten a little brighter. “Maybe next time?” I didn’t think she could possibly blush anymore than she already was, but when a steward came back to see that we were all right, she buried her face in my neck and hid her face. I could feel the heat in it, her body shaking with her silent laughter, but she’s not afraid any more.

Hicks is leaning against his truck when the plane taxies to a stop a little over forty minutes later. He hasn’t changed a bit, I don’t know why I would expect that he would. He always looks like he’s smiling, even when he isn’t. It used to cause him a lot of grief when he was younger because people thought he never took things seriously. He takes Jeanette’s bag from me before I can even get to his truck, throwing it into the back, followed by mine.

“Shit, Sean, you look good.” The hug is quick but real and my hand stays on his back when I hold Jeanette’s hand again, to introduce her. That quick look he gave me, the flash of a grin before she stepped forward to shake his hand, told me without a word that he approved already. Hicks always had an eye for beautiful women.

“D, this is Jeanette.” I let go of Hicks and kissed her temple, standing behind her when she put out her hand for Hicks. “Jeanette, Demetrius Hicks.” It’s awkward at first. I haven’t seen Hicks in a while, and the last time I did I was drinking heavily and a mess, so this is a little strange.

“Nice to meet you, Dem…”

“Don’t you listen to Sean, and give me that Demetrius crap.” Hicks laughs good naturedly at her, putting her at ease. ” Just D.” He looks past Jeanette to me as he starts walking towards the truck. “Candice got it out of me that you were coming today so I hope you two haven’t made plans.” Jeanette laughed and pushed me in front of her when I offered her the front seat before jamming herself into the back with the bags where she sat quietly and listened to us talk. “She went out with Rachel to pick up some stuff for a late lunch.” He’s laughing again as we pull out onto the freeway. “She didn’t really ask…”

We both laughed at that, Candice doesn’t really ask. It was probably more along the lines of a subtle threat, come back with us for lunch, or else hear about it for the rest of the night. “We’ll have to check in at the hotel first, and probably get changed, it was colder in Seattle.” I reach back to touch Jeanette’s hand, asking the silent question, if she was okay with the plans being made. Her answer, silent as well, her thumb stroking over mine as she peeked around the seat at me, grinning. I tried to keep a straight face when I continued, but I couldn’t pull it off. “I haven’t looked into the laundry situation at the hotel, do you think Candice would mind doing our laundry….”

I didn’t even get to finish. It felt good to joke around with him again, it’s felt like years since I’ve been able to, and in a way, it has been years. A year and a half anyway. “Don’t you start that shit Sean, I was hearing about that for months.” We both cracked up for a few minutes, and I don’t think it was all about the laundry bit either, it’s good to see him again. Jeanette stayed pretty quiet in the backseat, talking when Hicks would ask her something, but for the most part glad to stay quiet while Hicks and I caught up with each other. I would catch glimpses of her in the sideview mirror every couple of minutes, and she’d smile back at me every time.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this, ‘Nette?” Hicks was waiting for us downstairs in the lobby of the hotel after we checked in. “I could probably cancel.” It wasn’t really what I had planned on, I had wanted to take her to the beach and maybe to dinner.

“You looked so happy to see him again, please don’t cancel, Sean, not for me.” She walks over to part the curtains, taking in a small breath as she looks out of the window and steps onto the balcony. “Your friend seems nothing at all like my family.” Eyes sparking with humour, she peeked around the edge of the sliding door, motioning with her head for me to join her. Visiting with Hicks and Candice would be nothing at all like visiting with Jeanette’s family. “And I get the feeling that none of us really has a choice?”

It was around one in the afternoon on a hot Friday afternoon, the smog already a thick layer. I missed Seattle already, and I never thought I could miss rain. She was right about there not being much of a choice, when Candice gets her mind made up about something, it stays made up. “I’ve missed them, a lot. Thanks, ‘Nette” I kissed her on the back of the neck, before lifting the bags onto the bed, to help her find her bikini, and one of my tee shirts to wear. She flashed a grin at me before walking into the bathroom to get changed. I had groaned out loud when she pulled the hoody unselfconsciously over her head, about to undress. Her hand had burned a path along my back as she walked by. I would never get through this day if I saw her naked, it was going to be difficult as it is.

She’s beautiful when she steps out of the bathroom again, her hair in a simple ponytail down her back, a pale light weight skirt and one of my tee shirts, nothing else being clean. That beautiful dark red bikini just barely visible underneath the white shirt. We met up with Hicks again in the lobby, he grinned at me like he was surprised to see me again. I grinned back at him behind her back, letting him know that we barely made it back down, we probably wouldn’t have made it if she had changed in front of me.

Jeanette leaned in close to me when we drove to Hicks’ place, looking intently out the window at the places I pointed out. Where D and I had grown up, where we went to school, the movie theatre that we used to sneak into when we were kids. It felt good to be back here, to see it again without the hurt overwhelming me. “Don’t Hicks, it’s okay.” He had been about to take the long way around, to avoid the street where Stacy grew up as a kid. I pointed out where Stacy had lived, and the trail down to the canals, where all of us has spent so much time when we were kids. Hicks was quiet the rest of the drive, occasionally looking between Jeanette and I, he’s curious about her, I can tell.

Hicks looked unsure for a moment, when we got to his house, he had automatically reached in to grab me a beer before remembering all the trouble I had with the booze before I left. “I’ll make coffee, Hicks, I’m not drinking anymore.” Which isn’t entirely true, but I’m not drinking any more on this vacation. His smile is genuine, hitting me on the shoulder before pointing out at Jeanette, who’s standing on the back deck where we had left her, after a quick tour of the house. They had gotten a dog since I had left and Jeanette has the biggest smile on her face, playing with him.

“This is the real deal with you two, isn’t it Sean?” Hicks and I stood in the kitchen waiting for the coffee, watching Jeanette play with the dog. The real deal, just thinking of that makes my heart skip a beat, and my goofy grin would never fool Hicks for a second.

“Can you keep this quiet for a while, D?” His face is serious, watching me intently as I reach into my pocket and take out the velvet ring box that I had carried in my pocket since Monday.

“Shit Sean, this really is serious. Are you sure, I mean, wow…When are you going to ask her?”

I could tell Hicks had a lot more questions he was dying to ask. He fidgets with coffee cups and anything else on the counter. “It’s serious, D.” I look at the ring again, my thumb tracing over it before closing the box again and putting it back in my pocket. “And yea, I’m sure. I’ve never been more sure.” Hicks had asked me the same thing, and I had answered the same way, right before I proposed to Stacy. I’m serious. “I’m going to ask her when we get back.” I wish I could hide my nervousness, but Hicks has known me far too long not to notice.

“You’re worried about it?” Am I worried, how could I not be worried. Terrified might be a better word for it. Terrified that she’ll say no, that putting it to the asking itself will scare her so badly she might leave me. “Sean?”

I had drifted off for a moment, watching her through the window. “I’m a little worried, of course, but…” My hand fidgets over the ring box in my pocket. I want so badly for it to be Wednesday. “I don’t think she’s going to say no, D. I think it’s the right time for us both.” I had already talked to Hicks over the phone, after one of our first dates, so he knew a little about Jeanette, about her losing her husband and her little girl.

“I like her, Sean, she’s a nice girl.” He had a hand on my shoulder that turned into another quick hug, patting my back. “Congratulations, I wish I could be there when you ask her.”

“I’ll call you right after.” I’m grinning again, as I pour Jeanette a cup of coffee, and get ready to join her on the deck out back. She’s sitting on the bottom step, with the dogs head resting on her knee, looking up at her with adoration.

“Better not make it RIGHT after, Sean.” We’re both laughing out loud when Hicks opens the door for me and we rejoin Jeanette outside. I have the feeling Hicks and Alvarez would get along well.

I sit behind Jeanette on the back deck, looking down at the water below. It feels good to sit with her like this again, her back pressed into my chest, as we drink our coffee. Hicks gets up, telling us to stay where we are, to help Candice and Rachel when they come along the side of the house with bags of groceries. “Wait for it.” I swallowed the last of my coffee in one pull, and take Jeanette’s cup from her, half full, and put it out of harm’s way, on a lower step. Untangling myself from her so that she won’t get hurt when the inevitable happens. Jeanette is laughing softly, getting up, a curious look on her face.

Rachel lets out a high pitched squeal as she comes around the corner and spots me sitting on the porch. She’s gotten bigger since I left, and faster. Her feet thump loudly across the porch, her hands extended in little claws ready to tickle me into submission. I submit willingly enough, pretending she’s forced me back onto the porch to tickle me. The tickling is real enough, she goes right for the bottom ribs making me laugh out loud. “Rachel!” I wink at Rachel as her mom yells at her, to get off me, and she winks back, making a show of helping me back up again. Her skinny arms and legs make another fly at me, this time to wrap around my neck and hug me fiercely. That same high pitched squeal in my ear. “Uncle Sean!”

“Hello Princess!” I pick her up and hold her on my hip, to introduce her to Jeanette, who’s delighted with the little girl.

“Are you going to be my Auntie?” Jeanette and I share a look, smiling at hearing the question for the second time from a young child. Jeanette looks at me again, before shaking Rachel’s hand.

“If you want to call me your Auntie, I’d like that.” Rachel, like kids everywhere, gets bored quickly and squiggles out of my grip to run into the house, laughing loudly.

Holding Jeanette’s hand, I turn to introduce her to Candice, who stayed on the porch while Hicks put the bags into the kitchen. Candice’s smile looks pleasant enough, when I introduce the two women, and they shake hands before doing that small hug that women do when they first meet. The smile never once touches her eyes, which remain glacial the entire time. We had all grown up on the same street and Candice and Stacy had been the best of friends then. Candice was Stacy’s maid of honour at our wedding. Candice was the one that picked out people to try to set me up with, after Stacy had died. I have the feeling this is going to be trouble.

Hicks came back out to ask Candice to help him with dinner. He could probably feel the tension, or maybe he just guessed that it might be awkward. Maybe Candice had said what she was really feeling already, to him. I held onto Jeanette’s hand, hoping that she wouldn’t feel awkward, hoping that she didn’t feel the challenge coming from Candice. If Jeanette felt it, she hid it well, her thumb tracing over mine when I kissed the back of her neck as we sit down again.

The thumping of Rachel’s feet echo across first the kitchen floor and then the deck, and she jumps the last two steps to stand in front of Jeanette, one hand hidden behind her back. Rachel is beautiful like her mother, but she has D’s constant smile, and her smile is radiant when she takes her hand from behind her back. Handing Jeanette a flower pulled from the front yard. An iris, one of it’s petals missing in what was probably an exuberant run through the house, but it may as well have been a daisy, a pink gerbera daisy. As soon as Jeanette has taken the flower from her, she’s gone again, running hard down to the water with the dog hard behind her all the way.

Everything disappears into the background. The loud laughter from Rachel, the dog barking, the occasional sharp word from Candice inside the house. I stroked over Jeanette’s side as first she looked at the flower, before bringing it to her chest, over her heart. If she speaks now, I know that she’ll cry, so I shush her, my lips against the skin of her neck. Her breath hitches once, but stills under my hand when I stroke her side. It’s only a couple of minutes, but it feels like forever that I held her. She presses back against my chest, leaning her head against my shoulder, the iris still held close to her.

I cup her chin, raising her face to me. “Are you all right, beautiful Jeanette?” Her eyes glisten with a sheen of tears, already vanishing. She’s swallowing hard, at a loss for words, but nods to let me know she’s all right.

“Have you ever thought about…” I don’t know how to begin, how to ask in a way that won’t hurt her. I’ve never had a child, but I know I’d like to some day. I don’t want to ask her if it will hurt her though.

“Thought about what?” Her voice is softer, the tears she very nearly cried still threatening to fall.

“I’d give you anything you wanted, Jeanette. If you wanted another child, I…” I’ve never felt so awkward, but every word is heartfelt and sincere. It seems we’re always saying the really big things while we’re sitting on the porch. She doesn’t say anything yet, taking a deep breath as she leans harder into me, looking down the beach to the sea, to Rachel. The iris she hands to me, a delicate thing that she’s trusted to my care, before pulling my arms tighter around her.

When she speaks, her voice is barely more than a soft whisper, her eyes closed, and I know that she’s thinking of Emily without asking. “You would make a good father, I think, Sean.”

“Will we talk about this again later, Jeanette?” My heart races, in time with hers as I whisper back to her. She pulls me tighter, turning her head to look at me. Her eyes said yes even before she did. Our kiss made it yes for both of us.

copyright © 2006 xxxevilgrinxxx

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