I Can’t Let You Go 34

::THIRTY FOUR::

“She really doesn’t like me much, does she.” Candice’s voice, sharp and hard, can still be heard from the kitchen. D’s already shushed her once, or tried to but I know that’s never been much of a help. Candice will continue until she’s done, whether you think she’s done or not, she’s been that way since I first met her when she moved into the neighbourhood at nine.

“It’s not you, Jeanette. Stacy and Candice had been best friends since they were little girls. I think it’s just hard for her. I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset…” Her hand strokes over the outside of my thigh, stopping me from overexplaining. Candice, D, and Rachel are like my family, they ARE my family, in every way that matters. I could deal with it, accept it, if they didn’t like Jeanette, but it would still hurt a little. I understand Jeanette’s fear a little more, when I had to meet her parents, and she knew they wouldn’t like me. I hate to say it, but I think they didn’t like her very much either. I don’t want Jeanette hurt like that, ever again, and definitely not by people I consider to be my family. “We don’t have to stay Jeanette, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

She turns around to face me, kneeling on the step below. “You’ve met my parents already Sean, nothing could possibly be more uncomfortable than that.” She stands up, and I turn as she walks up the steps. Her hand on my shoulder the whole time, making me know she didn’t want me to follow her. “I want us to stay, as long as they’ll have us. I want you to be able to stay.” Her lips brush against my temple, and I hold her wrist to keep her from leaving.

“Jeanette…” I’m torn, between wanting to let her do anything she wants to do, and wanting at any cost to keep her from being hurt. Even if it’s just words, if Candice hurt her, there’s a part of me that could never forgive her for it. Her eyes are calm and clear, the beautiful near black of them holding mine. I doubt mine are that calm, and I can’t hide it, her hand cupping my jaw.

“We’re both mothers, Sean. And she wouldn’t be so mad if she didn’t care for you, it’s not just Stacy, so we have you in common too. Call Alvarez. All she can do is get angrier at me, but she might not.” Her thumb strokes over my cheek as she stands, and walks through the door into the kitchen. I want to follow her, to stand behind her and make sure she doesn’t get hurt, in any way. But that might hurt her too.

My chest feels cold without her back pressed into me. It’s not the only cold. I know that if Candice is cruel to her, that I will never come back, ever. I know it with a certainty that tears at my heart. I could call Hicks, and Rachel, but I could never come back.

The kitchen is quiet for a few moments and I strain to hear her, to hear either Jeanette or Candice. To hear anything so that I could know what to do instead of being frozen here. I’m still watching the door when Hicks comes out, he looks as nervous as I do, when he sits on the top step just a couple of feet from me. Like most guys, we’re out of our depth when it comes to this. Something only women can deal with, and that nothing we can do or say can fix, leaving us feeling a little useless.

At least they’re not yelling. I know Candice has a temper, and I’ve only seen Jeanette angry once, but it’s enough to know that if it was going badly, I’d hear it. “Jeanette was asking her about Rachel, Sean. They’re talking about kids, I think it’ll be all right.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, wiping my hand across my face, I look out, watching Rachel play down the beach with the dog.

Hicks gets up and starts to walk out towards Rachel, turning back to see if I’m following. Call Alvarez she said, and I know that I should. That, and it will keep me on the porch for a few more minutes in case things don’t go well in the kitchen, and then I can get her out of here. I think Hicks would have been happier if I had followed him out on the beach.

“What’s up, Vetter?” Alvarez always knows when something’s wrong, the man can smell trouble. “You two didn’t have a fight, did you?” He had asked me that earlier, joking around. There’s no laughter in his voice this time.

“No fight. Jeanette’s meeting my family.” Alvarez knows I don’t have actual family here, so I had to explain a little, trying to keep my voice down. I can feel myself getting mad just thinking about it. He says Jeanette will be fine, and other things to put me at ease, but I’m distracted, to put it mildly. Still listening for any sign of a fight in the kitchen. It’s quiet in there, I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. “Is everything okay out there, Alvarez?”

“It sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you right now Vetter, so I’ll keep it short. I put Holloway onto Vega’s man, just so that we can at least stay out of the way when this thing goes down. Torres’ reporter at the university put out the third article.” Alvarez reads off some of the article, which dealt with ‘an unnamed high ranking DEA agent’ and what happened to his back up during a drug raid in 1993. He didn’t name names, but it would be impossible for anyone even partially involved to not know who he was referring to. The article made mention of the fact that the DEA agent in question may have had motive in seeing his own men killed. I think he was leading up to the next article, out on Monday, and it would probably mention the money and drugs.

“Is the reporter safe, Alvarez?” If the reporter was in danger before, he certainly was now. It was just a matter of who Brubaker would use against him. I don’t think Brubaker could trust the professionals on his team anymore, not after Bishop.

“Torres and Holloway have him holed up somewhere. Douglas looked like death warmed over all day, he must be feeling the pressure.”

Hicks is watching me, and keeping Rachel from tackling me again. “Do you think he’s going to hold up?”

“He hasn’t caved yet, and, with that article out, I don’t see any way that he could now. The only way out is through. Brubaker is on the way out, one way or another, and I think Douglas knows it, and he’s staying out of it. So far it looks like Vega is still more interested in destroying Brubaker than in killing him, but I think that article on Monday might seal the deal. Look, Vetter, I know you haven’t heard two words I’ve said…No, don’t.” I had started to protest, half heartedly anyway. He’s right, I haven’t really been listening, I can’t stop thinking about Jeanette.

“Are you safe, Alvarez?”

“You’re not getting out of it that easily.” He’s laughing on the other side of the phone, I feel a little better already just hearing it. “We’re safe here. If anything, this thing has gotten quieter. Brubaker is going to be scared to move, unless he gets really desperate. Vega doesn’t look like he’s going to get in the way of us taking care of Brubaker, or maybe he just wants to see the man broken first. Either way, it’s quiet here. Monday the next article comes out, I think it’ll stay quiet until then. You two are going to be fine, Vetter, don’t worry so much.”

“Thanks Alvarez.”

Hicks had been watching, and started walking back up the beach again when I hung up the phone. I tried to keep myself from watching the kitchen. He sits back down in the same spot he was before. We both watched Rachel playing with the dog, her high pitched little girl laughter carrying clearly in the air. Watching her makes me think of Emily, a little girl that never got to be that age, and of course makes me think of Jeanette. Both Sandro and Rachel adore her, and it makes me sad to think of her missing that.

Hicks and I talked quietly about the cases we were dealing with. He was a little puzzled as he took cues from me, and started speaking in a hushed voice, so what we were saying wouldn’t carry; I had never been quiet about what I had done before. He was even more baffled when I told him this wasn’t really my case either, and that I had no official ties to it. That I didn’t want them. I told him about the shootout in front of Jeanette’s work, and how I could never risk losing her. That a case didn’t matter, that none of it mattered, I wouldn’t lose her. He didn’t say much, but I don’t think there’s much that could be said about it anyway. I had come back a different man, a changed man. A man determined not to make the same mistakes when given a second chance.

We sat quietly for a few minutes, the quiet broken when the kitchen door was toed open and first Candice, then Jeanette came out, carrying dishes from the kitchen. Jeanette smiled at me, but it was a quiet sort of smile, a smile that killed me inside to see. It was a smile that said she was hurt but would never say it, and would never admit that she was hurt. She did the same thing when she was in her parents house. They could have said anything to her, and she never would have showed on the outside that they had hurt her. But she was hurt, deeply.

“Jeanette…” I caught her before she went back into the kitchen to grab the rest of the dishes for dinner. I held her by the elbow, her chin held by my knuckle so that she would have to look up at me. Candice paled, and Hicks, looking angrily at her for a moment, followed her into the kitchen. Her smile falters as she looks up at me, but only briefly. Hurt, she’s hurt. Her face doesn’t show it, her smile and her voice would never show it, but her eyes can’t hide it. Not from me. “Jeanette, please, are you….”

She swallows hard and her resolve nearly broke as I watched her, my heart hurts just seeing it. I let go of her elbow, so that I can cup her face in my hands, something fragile I had sworn to keep safe. She blinks back her tears quickly and her hand rests on my chest, over my heart. “I’m fine, Sean, really.” She’s not fine, she’s hurting. And keeping it from me.

“We don’t have to stay Jeanette. If she said something to you…” I can feel myself getting angry, furious would be a better word. Hicks came back out of the kitchen at my raised voice, he looks as angry as I am, but is doing a better job of covering it. Candice won’t look me in the eye when she comes back out, but just calls for Rachel to come in for dinner.

“Please Sean, this will be okay, I don’t want you to leave. Please?” It breaks my heart to hear her, pleading with me to stay with people, or at least one person, that’s hurt her. Jeanette’s eye catches Rachel, nearly at the stairs of the deck. She smiles again, and reaches up to kiss me. “For Rachel, Sean. Please.” She would take any hurt, for a child, she would bear anything that was said to her.

“Will you tell me what she said to you?” I had to fight to keep my voice at a whisper. I wanted to shout, I wanted to yell. I wanted to leave and never come back. She looked hesitant, her cheeks flushed red. I had seen her blush often but this was different. This wasn’t because I had teased her or played with her. She was ashamed. Ashamed of what someone else had said to her, and now she intended to swallow her pride and stay. For me, and for Rachel. “Jeanette?” I held her chin again, she had dropped her head to look down at Rachel who had wrapped herself around my leg, hanging on tight. She swallowed hard again, her nod almost imperceptible, before pulling her chin from my hand.

She smiled down at Rachel and ran her hand through her hair. “Sit next to me?” Rachels’ hands push Jeanette over to a chair, giggling, unaware of the tensions from the adults around her. Jeanette gets tickled too, and while I love hearing her laugh, I don’t feel much like joining in. My eyes caught Candice’s for a fleeting moment, and if looks could kill, I think she would be dead right now. I sit on the other side of Jeanette, needing so badly to be close to her right now. My heart hurt when I first sat, scared that she wouldn’t take my hand, knowing that if she pulled away from me I would die inside.

Dinner was strained, with everyone trying to keep up appearances. Rachel would kick Jeanette under the table, and Jeanette would stick her tongue out at her. Normally, Candice would snap at her for it, but she’s being very quiet. I don’t know if Hicks heard what was said, or if Candice let slip what she had said. Maybe she had just been talking before we got here. It was uncomfortable and awful, and a relief when it was over. Candice insisted on clearing the dishes herself. Jeanette had asked if she wanted help, still trying to be polite. My grip tightened on her hand, and I know that there’s no way I would let her, even if Candice had agreed to it. There was no way I was going to have her opened up for more. Rachel ran off with half of a hamburger for the dog, something else I think she would normally get yelled at for, leaving just Hicks, Jeanette and myself.

Jeanette seems smaller and more fragile now that Rachel’s gone, the reason for her front. “I’m sorry, Sean.” Hicks reaches behind him to grab a beach blanket from the porch railing, handing it across the table to me. His face hardens before he stands up, and I know that him and Candice are probably going to have a fight as well. They don’t have many, Hicks can take a lot but I think Candice crossed a line even for him.

I don’t ask her, but pull her up gently by the elbow, the beach blanket in my other hand. She isn’t smiling anymore, all reason for pretense gone, with Rachel back inside the house. She isn’t angry, and she’s not crying either, there’s just this terrible sadness in her. It reminds me of the first day I met her, but then she looked at peace with the pain in her. Now she’s just hurt. Her fingers fidget at the hem of her shirt, my shirt; her eyes far away across the water, until I take her elbow again and without words insist she sit with me.

“What did she say to you, Jeanette?” I try hard to hide the anger in my voice but I don’t think it’s working, all I’m doing is making her nervous. Am I scaring her? My breath huffs out all at once as her hurt washes over me again. “Please Jeanette, I can’t…” It’s hard to breathe it hurts so much, my hand reaches out to touch her elbow, just to touch her. I don’t even know if she’ll let me and that rips at me inside. “I can’t bear to think of you hurt, please. Tell me what she said to you.”

She pulls her knees close to her chest, staring out over the water. Her chin trembles before she starts to speak, a knife in my heart. “She said…” Another deep breath, trying to control the shake in her voice. I’m torn between wanting to know, and not wanting her to ever have to tell me. If she doesn’t tell me, I know it will rip at her though, Candice always had a vicious tongue, and could always go right to the sore spot.

“She said that you were with me because I look like Stacy, because you’re only looking to replace Stacy with some…”

Her voice is dead, her words pulled raw and bleeding from her. “Jeanette…no…I..”

“Please, I might as well not stop now.” She’s crying, not broken sobs, she doesn’t make a sound. The tears well up at the edge of her lashes and spill over soundlessly, running down her cheeks to soak her shirt. I can feel a lump in my own throat, as she continues, in that same small still voice. “She said that you would never really love me, that I will always be second. That you would never marry, that you couldn’t, and that I was, how did she put it, ‘wasting my time trying to get my claws into you’, because I would never matter to you. That no other woman could. At best you would stay with me, ‘as a distraction’, and compare me to Stacy at every moment. That….”

More, how could there possibly be more? I’ve felt pain, but nothing could ever come close to this. I can see Candice saying all of those things, they probably had very little affect on her, she’s used to saying whatever she happens to be thinking at the moment, without caring too much about who has to hear it. There is a part of me that would gladly kill her for this, for hurting Jeanette with her cruel careless words.

I don’t know where to begin, or even how to begin, the words don’t want to move past the lump in my throat. I pull her into my arms, into my lap, dreading that she’ll just pull away from me. “Jeanette..” I have to stop, as my voice breaks, fuck, this hurts. “Jeanette, please, it’s not true. You know I love you.” I’m pleading. I don’t care, I’ll beg if I have to. She turns to face me, the sight of her tears twists the knife in my heart but I can’t look away, I won’t. I’m not the only one who’s pleading. Her tears a silent plea to make this right, somehow to make it right.

My voice shakes as I start, and she tries to tell me to stop, that it’s okay, but it’s not okay. This can never be okay until I tell her how I feel. “Every woman I’ve ever known has had brown eyes and brown hair, Jeanette. I grew up here, in this neighbourhood. You’re not going to get a lot of blond women out here, unless they dye it. You don’t look like her, you just have dark hair.” I feel stupid starting there, but everything Candice said to her hurt, and I would answer all of it.

“You will never be second to me, Jeanette. Not ever. Maybe if this was a year ago, maybe even half a year ago, things would be different. I didn’t even know that I needed to let things go then, but that’s changed. If I don’t, if I didn’t let her go, I would die inside. Stacy is gone, Jeanette. She’s gone. And I can’t live my life like she’s going to turn up one day, like nothing happened. She wouldn’t want me….”

“John wouldn’t want me to either, Sean.”

A ragged sigh is pulled from me at her finishing of my sentence, my thought, with her own pain. “I let her go, Jeanette, I let her go for you, because I love only you. I want only you, there is no one else, not anymore.” I turn her to face me, cupping her tear streaked face in my hands, feeling my own start to fall. “Look at me, Jeanette. Look at me and tell me I don’t love you, that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life with you. I love you Jeanette. Only you, there’s no one else for me, ever.”

I would ask her to marry me right here, right now, but I don’t want it tied to this pain, this hurt. My heart is a raw open wound. “Please Jeanette…” I want to touch her, to kiss her, to let her know with everything in me how much I love her, but all I’ve got is my breaking voice. Her eyes hold mine, her dark eyes shimmer with tears, but there’s no reproach there. If she doesn’t hate me after this, I swear I’ll make it up to her.

I let her kiss me first because I need to know she still wants to, that she still wants me. Her kiss is gentle, almost tentative at first, as though she was asking herself the same question. Asking if I still wanted her. Her lips are swollen, and taste of salt, her tears leaving traces there. “I love you too Sean.” Her voice is barely a whisper against my skin before she kisses me fiercely, and I answer her back with one of my own. Like a dying man needs water, like I need air to breathe, I let her fill me.

Telling her with my kiss all the things I don’t have the words for. That I am hers, forever. And she’s mine.

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