I Can’t Let You Go 35

::THIRTY FIVE::

“I’m sorry.”

In the end it’s all I can say, whispering it over and over as I hold her, my nose buried in her hair. I don’t know if sorry can make up for the things she’s had to hear but I can’t stop it anyway. I’m sorry. Her arms are wrapped tight around my neck, her face buried in my shoulder. Her breath, our breath, was ragged at first, before slowly evening out again as we held each other. I hold her tight, afraid that if I let go for even a second, she’ll change her mind and be gone and I’ll never see her again.

She’s not crying anymore, my hand caresses over her back, there’s not the slightest hitch. “I’m sorry too, Sean. I never should have told you what she said. I should have…” She’s pulling back from me, her arms untangling from around my neck as she tries to pull herself together.

“Don’t. Don’t ‘Nette. I knew you were hurt. There’s no way I would have left it at that, you don’t ever have to bear that yourself, not anymore.” Her hands wipe at what’s left of her tears, her eyes red. I lean in to kiss her again, holding her hands, kissing softly over her damp lashes. “I don’t want to be here anymore, let’s go back to the hotel.”

“You have to promise me something.” Her voice is quiet but determined and she swallows hard before looking up at me. I was a little scared to hold her eyes again, the force of raw emotion still in the air between us, but I push it aside. I would promise her anything. “I didn’t like what she said, it hurt me to think that you might have thought that of me.” It hurt worse than what her family had said, perhaps because it was unexpected. “But Hicks and Rachel didn’t say it, Sean, and Candice, I don’t know. You did say she was Stacy’s best friend, I…”

She was about to make excuses for Candice and I just didn’t want to hear it. They were best friends, but there’s no excuse. Stacy was never mean, ever. That Jeanette would try to make me understand Candice in this just made me angry, especially after Candice hurt her. “I promise..” The skin between her eyebrows bunched, she hadn’t said what it is she wanted me to promise, but I had a pretty good idea anyway. “I promise that I won’t take it out on Hicks and Rachel.” At the mention of Rachel’s name she relaxed, the skin between her eyebrows evening out again. “But I’m not dropping this, Jeanette. I’m not going to downplay it, I’m pissed off. She had no right to hurt you like that.” Her mouth opens as she tries to argue, but I doubt she has the strength left. She slumps a little, almost seeming to visibly deflate. I know she’s got a temper, and it must have been hell for her to sit quietly and listen to what she listened to. That she did it, stayed quiet and took it, just so that I would come back to see Hicks and Rachel again, makes me ashamed even though I know there’s nothing I could have done about it.

“Let’s go..” I almost said let’s go home. There’s a part of me that wants to go home, just say screw it to the rest of this vacation, and take her home. She turns her head to look out over the water again and I know that I can’t do that, that I have to make this right somehow. “Let’s go. What do you say to room service, and scary movies, ‘Nette?”

“You’re amazing, Sean, do you know that? You always know what to say to make me happy.” She’s grinning at me, a quiet sort of grin like she isn’t quite sure why she is but can’t help it. “We’re okay?” We’re always asking each other that it seems.

I hold her face cupped in my hands, my thumb tracing over the still damp skin of her cheeks. “We’re always going to be okay, Jeanette.” Standing, I pull her up to me, slipping my arm around her waist. I was terrified I would lose her, but if anything, this has just made it clearer that SHE is my family now. If anyone is ever foolish enough to make me choose, they won’t like the answer. I don’t know if that was the game Candice decided to play, to make me choose, but she lost anyway. I always knew it would be that way, it just hadn’t been tested before now. I choose Jeanette.

Hicks is sitting on the edge of the deck, waiting for us, and gets up as we approach. He doesn’t look nervous, just drained. I don’t think he was expecting this sort of a fight either, he was always the peacemaker out of all of us, and even refereed a couple of fights that Stacy and I had when we were younger. Jeanette can’t hide the fact that she’s been crying and I can almost feel the twinge of pain every time he looks at her. “I’m sorr…”

I lean down to whisper in Jeanette’s ear, not caring right now if I’m being rude; after what happened already today, I can be forgiven for it. “Jeanette, go around front, I’ll be out in a minute.” I’ve had enough, and she’s not taking any more. She’s silent, her eyes searching my face, but turns, her eyes catching Hicks for a moment, and walks along the side of the house to wait out front for me. I wait until I know she’s gone.

“What the fuck was that, D?” I’m fighting not to yell, my anger starting to get the better of me. Candice glances out the window at my raised voice; she looks like she might have been crying herself. Good. Maybe I’ll feel different about that tomorrow, but for the moment, good. I can feel the shakes set in as I try to deal with leftover rage without hitting something, and settle for crossing my arms and trying to at least hear the explanation I know I’m going to get.

“Candice is….She’s….” He runs through a few attempts, trying to find the best way to say what it was that Candice was exactly. “I’m sorry, Sean. You know how she is, she just says stuff and doesn’t really think about what she’s saying.” We share a look, both knowing that that isn’t entirely the truth. Candice has always known what she was saying, she just didn’t care that much about it, believing that she was just being ‘honest’. “She got it out of me that you were dating, when you called, and she got it out of me that you were coming here on vacation, but she didn’t know the rest of it Sean. She didn’t know.”

“That’s no fucking excuse, D.” My arms tighten a little more, my voice dead even to my own ears. “Jeanette, she’s…” It’s hard to breathe, holding her and thinking of her crying, my shirt’s still wet with her tears. A wave of murderous blackness rolls over me, leaving me shaking in it’s wake. “She’s my angel, D. Seeing her hurt….”

“I’m sorry. Candice is sorry.” He won’t look at me but settles for leaning against the deck post. “She didn’t really know what Jeanette meant to you, Sean. I told her that you intended to marry her and I thought she was going to faint.” I told Hicks what Candice had said to Jeanette, he wouldn’t look at me, just took a deep breath and let it out. “I didn’t want to say a bunch of personal shit about Jeanette to her, but she probably wouldn’t have said half of what she did if she knew beforehand. She didn’t know, Sean.” He’s quiet for a minute, before continuing, his voice nearly inaudible. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry that happened here, you’re my brother, Sean. I don’t want this to happen.”

He knows if this isn’t solved I won’t come back. He doesn’t need to ask, he just knows, we’ve known each other since we were both still in diapers. “It won’t happen, D, but not for the reason you think. It won’t happen because Jeanette won’t let it happen. She made me promise. She sat and took that shit from Candice and didn’t say a fucking thing because she didn’t want to upset Rachel. She sat here all night with that hurt.” I fight to lower my voice again, watching Candice move towards the back door. I really don’t want her to come out here, I’m too angry.

“Fuck, D.” I rub the spot between my eyebrows, I don’t want this to be the last thing we ever say to each other. “I know she was Stacy’s best friend. But Stacy was my WIFE, D, my wife. I can’t…” The sigh comes out in a ragged tear, ripping it’s way out painfully. “You know what I was like when it happened, what I was still like right before I left. I had to let her go, it was killing me a little more every fucking day, and Stacy never would have wanted that for me. She’s gone, D, and Candice is just going to have to accept that, and accept that she doesn’t have to try to take over where Stacy left off.” I know that pissed him off, but it’s true nonetheless. It was Candice that had tried to set me up after Stacy had died, she had taken it on as some sort of duty she had to fulfil, that only she could fulfil.

“I’ll try and explain it to her, Sean.” We started walking out to the front of the house. “Is Jeanette okay?” How do I explain that I’m afraid while we’re walking out to the front of the house? Afraid because I think she might be gone? How do I keep myself from running to make sure? I’m afraid my voice will break if I try to answer, so I just nod, only breathing when I see her sitting on the edge of the front porch waiting for me.

I held her like I hadn’t seen her in years, it felt like that long. She had been crying, wiping her eyes quickly, so I won’t notice. “I’m really sorry this happened Jeanette. Wait here, I’m just going to grab my keys and I’ll drop you two off at the hotel. I’ll only be a second, Sean.” I had intended on just calling a cab and getting her out of here, but he’s holding onto my arm. He’s been my friend my whole life, and I don’t want to leave like this either. He leaves the door open when he runs in for his keys.

It feels wonderful to just hold her again, the pain I had felt sharpening every sensation. I squeeze her hard enough to pick her up off the ground, before letting her down again, not letting go. “Candice….wait…” Hicks is a step behind Candice at the front door. She’s been crying too; I know Hicks was angry with her for the things he knows she might have said. He looked pretty pissed off when I told him what she DID say. I make a point of staying between the two woman, putting myself in front of Jeanette.

“I’m …..sorry.” She’s looking from Jeanette to me, and back again, not entirely sure who she should be apologizing to more. “I didn’t know about your husband, and your….child.” Her voice breaks at the last. I know that when I lost Stacy, it ripped her apart to think of losing D, and I can only imagine the thoughts she’ll be plagued with now, of losing Rachel.

“It’s no excuse….” Jeanette holds my arm, deflating whatever anger I had left, before stepping in front of me to take the few steps over to Candice. If ‘Nette were to take a swing at her, I don’t think I’d stop her. I know she won’t though, it’s not what she is. She gives Candice a quick hug, before backing up to stand beside me again. I think Candice might have been expecting Jeanette to hit her too, but I think the hug hurt her worse than any punch could have.
—

“Stop here, I’ll be back in a second….no, stay, I’ll only be a second.” And with that, Jeanette had ran into the supermarket, leaving Hicks and I to sit in the silence that had festered on the drive back to the hotel. Hicks had tried to start up a conversation on the way, but I didn’t want to hear it. I guess Jeanette had finally had enough.

“I think she did that on purpose, Sean.” I can’t stay mad at Hicks, and we’re both talking again by the time Jeanette gets back. Her eyes dart from Hicks to me; we had clammed up when we saw her approach the truck. She relaxes when we start talking again, staying quiet in the back, that tiny smile pulling at the corner of her mouth.

“Thank you Jeanette.” I had kissed her hard, on the elevator up to our room. She feigned puzzlement, but I wasn’t buying it, her trip to the store was her attempt to force Hicks and I to start talking again, and it worked. “What did you pick up anyway?” She blushes at first, spermicide and KY, muttering under her breath about the strange effects of chocolate massage oil on places it shouldn’t have gone. I try not to laugh, knowing she would never forgive me for it. Her face breaks into a wide grin as she pulls out two horror movies. I’m laughing to myself as I call down to room service to send us up coffee and a couple of things to pick at. She’s got me watching zombie movies; they used to scare the hell out of me as a kid, I wonder if that’s changed.

She’s already pulled off her shirt, and was about to change out of her bikini when I pinned her arms at her sides, startling her and making her giggle. “Leave it Jeanette, you look sexy.” That soft purr, when I kissed the sensitive skin where her neck meets her shoulder, my tongue tracing a small circle before I nipped her. A discreet knock on the door; the coffee’s here, and I have to let her go for a moment. I cup her breast and nip her neck again before answering the door.

She’s standing outside, leaning against the balcony railing, when I bring her a cup of coffee. It’s not quite dusk, the sun a fiery red disk in front of her, her skirt nearly translucent in the dying glare. I stay still and silent, just watching her for what feels like forever, the falling sun turning her skin to gold. She turns a little, when I put the cups down on the small table outside, but doesn’t step away from the railing, just holds her hand out to me. Our fingers interlace and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her tight to my chest. “I’m sorry about everything today, ‘Nette.”

Her head rests back into my shoulder and she takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry too, Sean. As long as we’re okay I can live with it.” I don’t want her to live with it, but we’re okay. I was so afraid she would leave, that I’d never see her again, that it makes simple things like holding her and nuzzling in her hair, take on a whole new meaning. An intensity they never had before.

Her weight settles against my chest, as we sit on one of the deck chairs out on the balcony. No matter where we are we always have this, spooned against each other, completely content. I close my eyes and think of us at fifty or so still sitting out on the back porch, curled against each other, drinking coffee. After today when it felt like I almost lost her it’s a vision so clear it’s nearly painful. My need for her a profound ache. For her, for everything about her.

I had swore to myself to never put my work before her, when she was cut by flying glass on the first day I thought that she was gone. Now, after this, I won’t put anyone else before her either. I choose Jeanette, over everyone. A weight is lifted from me, when I know in my heart I’ve made that decision. Maybe I never could have done that if we hadn’t come out here, I don’t know if anyone could have ever tested it.

“Finish up, beautiful.” We both leave our half full cups on the small table, it’s not what we want any more. She lets out a small nervous gasp when I pull her tighter to me, nipping at the nape of her neck, the tips of my fingers sweeping inside the arc of her bikini bra to play over her nipple. “It’s almost dark, and we’re seventeen stories up, no one’s watching. It’s not quite a public place but it’s a start.” My laugh is a quiet rumble against her skin, which erupts in gooseflesh at the words, nothing to do with the cooling air.

She turns in my arms, her skirt bunching as she straddles my waist. The angle of the deck chair lets me lean back enough to make us both comfortable, and enough room that I can touch her. Pulling her hair tie out, I let her hair free as she leans in to kiss me. That intense spark flickers like heat lightning in her eyes as our bodies press together. Like in the plane but different, because she won’t say no this time. After everything that’s happened today we need this, need to touch and reassert what was ours.

“You don’t want to go inside?…” Her voice is nearly breathless and trembling slightly, the words whispered in my ear. If I said yes she would go along but secretly, deep in her heart, I know this is what she wants. My hands run from her shoulders down her back, feeling her arch under my hands, down to the zipper of her skirt. She can’t hide the racing of her heart, or the tiny whimper when her skirt, after a little struggle, ends up on the floor of the balcony, leaving her in nothing but her bikini. “I want this. I want you, here.”

Her body crouched, like some sleek animal above me, my hands resting on her hips. Hips that fidgeted, making her need plain, not that she would ever have to say anything. Like near death, like survival, our want was a living thing in the air between us. There was nothing gentle about our kiss, there couldn’t be, not today, not for either of us. Her teeth nipped at my lip before she devoured me, demanding and aggressive. It didn’t go unanswered, every cell in my body screamed out for her, and had to settle for my hands stroking and caressing what I could reach.

She’s pulling at my shirt, letting out a small snort of frustration at breaking our kiss, so I can pull it over my head. I laugh softly, the sound muffled by our mouths, when I grab her hands as she reached for my fly. “Lean back, ‘Nette.” She’s breathing hard as she straightens up, uncoiling almost, in a lazy feline way that’s so incredibly sexy that I can’t take my eyes off her. Her hand braced against my belly, touching as much of my skin as she can with her small hand. The wet heat of her soaks through our clothes, the warm musk of her a scent that makes me lose all rational thought.

The last of the sunset dies in a red death before the lights of LA take over behind her. A sparkling neon that bathed her skin in swirls of green and blue, where she was gold before. For a second it’s hard to breathe and I have to close my eyes and let my hands tell me this isn’t some weird dream. Her fingertip plays over the edge of my bellybutton bringing me back from wherever I had gone. “I was worried you were going to fall asleep on me, Sean.” I’m tired, exhausted, but there’s no chance of me falling asleep. Maybe I might stop breathing but I won’t fall asleep.

“Not a chance, beautiful.” My hands slip over her hips, fingertips tracing lazy lines across the strings that tie her bikini at the side, before pulling the bows undone. “I like this, ‘Nette.” The bikini bottom lands in the small pile of our clothes on the balcony floor. We might be seventeen floors up but I still feel a flutter of nerves at her sitting on my lap nearly naked. All someone would have to do is look up, or maybe look over from the building beside us. I try not to look, I don’t want to know if the lights are on there or not, if I look I’ll lose my nerve, and so will she.

Every time I’ve been with her has been incredible but I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on. Even without touching her I know the same is true for Jeanette. “Can you be quiet, ‘Nette?” I don’t even know if I can be quiet and at this point I don’t really care too much. Her head falls back a little with her soft sexy laughter, her smile radiant. I don’t think she cares too much about being quiet either.

“Do you want me to be?” Her voice, soft and sexy, makes me growl, pressing my hips up against her. I can’t answer, I don’t trust what I would say. My eyes hold hers as I stroke through her curls, her hips raising a little to give me access. Soaked. The wet of her almost enough to make me come just at the thought of her. I think I had intended to say something, I have no idea what it could be, all that came out was a deep growl as my hand slicked over her. I had intended to play with her but I’ll never last if I do.

The rest of our undressing is nearly frantic, a shred of sanity returning as I threw my pants behind me, into the hotel room. The last thing I needed was her engagement ring sailing out over seventeen stories to the street below. She blushed, almost shy again, when I pulled the strings for her bikini top, leaving her completely naked above me.

That sleek aggressive animal in her is back, and I answer with my own. Her breath fans out in short pants across my cheek. Like two people starved, we feast on each other, our kisses noisy, wet and passionate. She braces herself, her hands pushing against my chest, raising her hips in that same animal crouch. My hands linger, squeezing, on her rear for a moment longer, imagining what this would look like, before shaking the image loose and positioning myself beneath her.

Her voice is a whimper as she struggles for a control I don’t think either one of us has. Guiding her hips as she lowers, her back arching before she’s even halfway. Her hands splay against my chest and her head is thrown back, her lips parted and if we were anywhere else I know she would scream. There’s a part of me that just wants her to do it, let her scream echo across the canyon of buildings, let her drown out the cars and the noise and every other sound in LA, until all I can hear is her. I buck up hard into her feeling myself let go, nothing exists but Jeanette.

I wouldn’t have thought that small nervous habit, that thing she does with her lip could possibly get any sexier, but I was wrong. Usually it’s over so quickly that you would never catch it if you weren’t looking. Now, in trying so hard to keep quiet, she’s pulled that bottom lip in, her teeth dragging across the middle until only the outer curve is left, held with her teeth. Stifling her scream, until all that’s left is this incredibly sexy moan that grows sharper as her need overtakes her and she rides me hard.

We both quickly slick with sweat, bracing herself more difficult with every thrust. She grows frustrated, as her hands slip, making it hard to keep the punishing pace we’ve both set, brutal, hard and fast. Leaving one hand on her hip, I tangle the other in her hair to pull her to me, stifling her scream of frustration with a kiss. Like being devoured, her tongue suckles and pulls at mine, leaving us out of breath.

I hold her above me, driving up hard into her, feeling her inner muscles start to spasm around me. Harder. Everything about making love to her is possessive and demanding, as we drive each other ruthlessly over the edge. My balls tighten and my entire world floods in a blinding white when I let go, bucking hard into her. Her hips jerk in my hands with the force of her own release, her scream barely controlled, only because she bit my shoulder hard enough to draw blood.

I’ve never been so deeply shaken, as I pull her trembling body tighter to me. She’s crying, a quick flood of tears that ends as suddenly as it began. I’ve never really understood, not really, why she did that. Until now. The intensity of making love to her like that, with everything in me, washes over me. Not enough to make me cry, but enough to make me understand.

I make her feel like that every time. The weight of that silences me, that she would feel so deeply. About me. I love her, of that there’s no doubt, but it isn’t until I really felt the intensity of her love, that I knew, really knew, how much she loved me back. I carry her inside, her legs still shakily hugging my waist and ease her down to the bed. My hands stroke over her face as we untangle, leaning over her, lost in her eyes. She loves me, as much as I love her.

We’re both exhausted, too drained to do anything but curl up together on the end of the bed. I threw all the clothes back into the hotel room, nudging the pocket of my jeans to make sure her engagement ring is still there. I cover her over with the red bedspread, throwing all the pillows behind her, before putting in one of her movies. I love the sound of her soft giggle when I put the small plate of cookies I had ordered with coffee earlier in front of her, and curling up behind her, tucking her into the curve of my body.

Zombie movies. It had to be zombie movies. I feel ridiculous, and there’s no way she can’t know what I’m doing when I pull my feet in from where they were hanging just over the edge of the bed, tucking them securely under the blankets. So nothing can grab them. She’s pretending to be asleep but there’s a ghost of a smile on her lips. Zombie movies still scare the hell out of me.

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