::THIRTY NINE::
“I hope you know Vetter, that without you here to use as an excuse on Sunday mornings, Adriana managed to drag me off to church this morning.” I had asked Hicks to give me a minute while I called Alvarez; I don’t have the contacts to arrange a non-civilian flight from here. I had thought I would have caught him at home, or maybe at work. Instead, Alvarez and I are both talking to each other, standing outside church. I still haven’t let go of Jeanette’s hand.
“That’s funny, because that’s where I’m calling you from now.” Rachel is playing at the bottom of the stone steps while Hicks and Candice talk to some other people from the church. She might not have been too happy to have to wear a dress, but she seems to be enjoying it at least a little, twirling at the bottom of the stairs so her dress will float up. Jeanette’s small wistful smile as she watches her makes my heart hurt. She covers it well, and it’s something I don’t think anyone else would notice, but there is a picture of Emily on the nightstand at home, and I know that she can’t ever forget. Alvarez and I talked a little about family and other things, before I got around to what I had wanted to ask. “Jeanette and I are looking at coming home early, Alvarez.”
“Are you two kids all right?” He sounds concerned on his end of the phone. I can almost see his face, that intense look he gets when he’s not kidding around, worried we’ve had some sort of fight or something, and that’s why we’re coming home early.
“We’re not fighting, Alvarez, it’s just time for us to come home.” It’s funny, Alvarez was the first person to completely accept Jeanette in my life, as a part of my life; he’s always thinking about us.
He sounds a little excited, his voice dropping to a whisper into the phone; I can almost hear his grin. “You’re ready to ask her, aren’t you?”
Jeanette is still watching Rachel play on the stairs and I don’t think she could hear anything that Alvarez has said anyway, but I still find myself whispering back. “Yeah, Alvarez, I am. Can you find a way on your end to get us back a little early?” Jeanette turned and smiled at me, dropping her head again to watch Rachel.
Alvarez lives for this stuff. “Were you looking at any specific time, Vetter?” There’s a muffled conversation in the background as he sends Adriana and the boys home. Adriana, who’s never been much of a whisperer, sounds very excited in the background. “I can get to the office and get started right away.” A car door slams, and there’s a break in the conversation, as he tells the cabdriver where to let him off.
I reach over to Jeanette, pulling her close and slipping my arm around her waist. “As soon as we can.” My thumb slips under the edge of her shirt to trace patterns on her belly. I would be back home with her right now if I could.
“You’re going to keep this cellphone with you all day?” A car door slams on the other side of the phone; I guess he’s at work now. I tell him I’ll wait for his call, pulling Jeanette close and kissing the back of her neck, hiding my goofy grin in her hair. “I’ll call you the second I have something, Vetter.”
Just knowing that Alvarez is on top of this makes me happy, kissing Jeanette again when I hang up the phone. The man can be relentless, and I know he’ll get us home early. Rachel is still grinning at us from the bottom of the stairs, watching us kissing. I let Jeanette go and scoop up Rachel. “And YOU, Princess…” I lean in to kiss her cheek, making her laugh at the scratch of whiskers, whispering to her, as we look conspiratorially at Jeanette. “You’re making me look good here, kid.” She grins a sly grin at me, as I hold her against my hip, and sweetly kisses my cheek, wrapping her skinny arms around my neck.
With Rachel on my hip, and holding Jeanette’s hand, we made our way to the truck, where Hicks and Candice are already waiting for us. The reflection in the window as we approach is nearly enough to stop me in my tracks, filling my belly with butterflies; holding a little girl while walking with Jeanette. I’ve been seeing babies everywhere lately; I had never really noticed them before and now, everywhere I turned, families were pushing strollers and holding babies. I’ve started seeing pregnant women everywhere too, which reminds me of touching that woman’s belly and feeling her child kick my hand while I waited for Jeanette at her doctor’s office. Every one of them makes me think of Jeanette. And of Emily. How can something be so sad, so painful, yet make me happy every time I think of it? I don’t even know how to begin to bring it up with her; I’ve hinted, sure, but the ball is in her court with this one. All I can do is hope that she wants it too. I want a family with her too.
All three of us squeeze into the back of the truck, helping Rachel in first, who scrambles easily to the other side. I don’t know how Jeanette managed to get into the truck gracefully, there wasn’t really an awful lot of room, but she does, with me following right behind her. Rachel prattled on non-stop to Jeanette and I the entire way back. At one point, Rachel asked whether Jeanette had any babies, and Candice turned around to get her to stop, a flicker of near panic on her face. I tensed up too and Jeanette’s hand covered mine, as I held her hip. “I had a baby, a little girl, but she’s up in heaven now… Is that where you go to school?….” Rachel, being a kid, understood and didn’t understand at the same time, and so accepted it and moved on, to talk about other things that we were passing.
Hicks yells at Rachel as she’s running into the house, already pulling the frilly white dress over her head before she’s even got to the front door. We walk through the house onto the back deck, listening to the sound of her thumping up the stairs. “How can she be so small and make that much noise, ‘Nette?” I love the sound of her laugh and bury my face against the side of her neck to try to stop another goofy grin. It wasn’t long before the not so delicate pitter patter of little girl feet was again heard on the stairs, as Rachel, rid of her dress, ran back out of the house and across the deck to us. Candice right behind her telling her to knock it off. Rachel jumped off the stairs and sat down at the bottom, grinning up at us.
Jeanette holds the small shopping bag from the store we had been to earlier, on the way to church. Looking at Rachel and then looking up at me and at Candice, who’s standing behind us. “Should I….”
I look up quickly at Candice, she seems okay with it. “Now is okay, ‘Nette. Sit here for a second, Rachel.” I make room for Rachel to sit on the step below us while Jeanette takes out the small wrapped box and hands it to her.
“You got me a present, Auntie Jeanette?!” Rachel is all arms, reaching for the present. Candice clears her throat and Rachel automatically thanks Jeanette, not slowing down a bit as she rips off ribbons and paper. We grin at each other, saying the word ‘Auntie’ to each other. Rachel squeals at seeing the glass unicorn and launches herself at Jeanette, in a tangle of arms and legs and a stream of ‘thank you’s. My belly fills with butterflies watching her hold the little girl, laughing along with her excitement, looking so comfortable, so right, holding her.
“I have to go put it in my room!” Rachel yells, as she squiggles out of Jeanette’s lap, after kissing her on the cheek.
“You probably haven’t seen a tornado yet, have you, ‘Nette?” She’s laughing so hard, pointing in the direction Rachel ran off in, that she’s not able to answer. I squeeze her tight, grinning into her hair. Unable to stop my racing heart at having seen her hold Rachel; I hadn’t been prepared for how much that would affect me.
“Thank you so much Jeanette.” Candice looked uncomfortable for a moment, as she sat on the top step next to Jeanette. “She was so excited when she found out that you both would meet us at the church. She dressed up willingly, if you can believe that.” Candice is looking over Jeanette’s shoulder to look at me when she added that last. Rachel doesn’t willingly dress up for anything. I’m amazed that she even had a dress at all.
She’s making a concerted effort to be nice to Jeanette, and the two women are soon talking about girls again. I was worried at first, my hand tightening on hers automatically at the first mention of Emily’s name. Jeanette’s thumb strokes over mine, comforting me, as she continues talking to Candice. If Jeanette’s okay, I’m okay. Jeanette takes Candice’s arm, when Hicks called out from the kitchen, wanting help with lunch. I think he was as worried as I was about a repeat of Friday. “It’s all right, Sean. Really.” Her hand strokes over mine, she’s holding onto us both now, so Candice will stay, and so I’ll be okay with her staying. Candice and I share one quick look over Jeanette’s shoulder that made it clear without having to say a word what would happen if she hurt my ‘Nette again. I kissed her, and let her know I’d be in the kitchen, if she needed me. For anything.
“We had a huge fucking fight about this, Sean. Trust me; she’s not going to do it again. Here…” Of course he noticed I was nervous about leaving her out there, there’s no way he couldn’t notice; I didn’t even have to say it.
We carried everything out for lunch, Hicks saving the best for last, a huge platter of sandwiches from the fridge. I burst out laughing and had to explain about Alvarez and Adriana keeping me alive with sandwiches for the first couple of months I was in El Paso. It’s probably a little strange to make jokes about being such a mess you can’t even feed yourself.
I stop mid-sentence to answer my cellphone, holding it against my ear while I carried the tray of sandwiches outside, making Jeanette flash me with a brilliant smile. “I can get you a military flight at six in the morning, Monday, Vetter.” My heart skipped a beat, and if Hicks weren’t close, I would have dropped the tray I was holding. Tomorrow morning. His voice sounded cautious on the other side of the phone, rustling papers. “Is that too early? I could try for a later flight…” More rustling.
My voice croaked before evening out, which made everyone turn to look at me, concerned. “That’s perfect, Alvarez.” Perfect. I had been so excited to go on vacation with her, and now I couldn’t wait for it to be over, so I could take her home. It’s kind of funny when you think about it.
“You would be back here at around seven or so in the morning, I could pick you up…” He sounds as excited about this as I am. He probably is, Alvarez is a romantic. I walked over to sit by Jeanette again, needing to touch her, to tell myself this was real and I wasn’t going to wake up drunk in my box-strewn living room after another night of trying to forget.
“I’ll see you there at around seven then.” Alvarez let out a small muted cheer. I can see him sitting at his desk in a swirl of papers, a mares’ nest from which he’s managed to pull off the impossible yet again. Pushing everything into some sort of a pile, completely pleased with himself.
Everyone had stopped what they were doing, when my voice had croaked, and I think that if I didn’t say anything that they would have stayed like that for the rest of the day. “We catch a flight back home at six tomorrow morning, ‘Nette. We can be home by around seven.” I had said it to Jeanette, but everyone heard me anyway. A pin dropping could be heard in that silence.
“You’re gonna stay for dinner, right?!” Rachel, who had been playing underneath the table, sticks her head out to yell her question. Candice and Hicks both started hemming and hawing, not wanting to disappoint Rachel, but not wanting to make plans for us either. It would be our last night here after all. Rachel crawled out from under the table to watch all the adults. She didn’t have to ask her question again, it was written all over her face as she looked at each of us.
“We could stay, I don’t mind if we stay, Sean? …” Jeanette whispered to me in a tiny voice, not wanting to say anything aloud that would hurt Rachel. I would have liked to have gone dancing with her, on our last night here. Maybe I’ll have to leave that for another night, I wouldn’t deny her anything. That she feels comfortable enough to stay, after what had happened to her here already means a lot to me.
“I don’t mind staying for dinner, D, if it’s okay. Candice?” What followed was a weird conversation, where the adults tried to reach some sort of consensus without actually saying yes or no, so that we could all present a united front to a little girl who looked like she might cry if we said no.
All it took was a small nod from Candice for Rachel to jump around on the deck excitedly, scaring the dog into running under the table. “We could go down to the beach and have a picnic!” Now that we were staying, there was no stopping her, it was turning into an event, and it wasn’t even two in the afternoon yet. We all grabbed stuff from the table and settled back where we were before to eat an informal lunch. Rachel fed sandwiches to the dog when her parents weren’t looking. Jeanette and I made a point of not noticing, so that Hicks and Candice wouldn’t turn around and catch her at it. Hicks had mentioned calling Big Sexy, so that I could get a chance to see him before we left.
“We’ll need to stop at the hotel first, ‘Nette, and pick up some stuff for the beach.” I would get to see her in her bikini again. I send a silent thanks to Rachel for suggesting a picnic on the beach.
Rachel is standing behind Jeanette, playing with her long dark hair. “I can stay here, Sean.” She’s watching me again, telling me with her eyes that it’s okay to leave her here. “It’s okay.” A whisper, from Candice and Jeanette both. I reach over to kiss ‘Nette, missing her at the very last second and kissing Rachel on the nose; she had stopped what she was doing to watch us kiss again. Rachel squeals, and Jeanette graces me with that soft look in her eyes that makes everything else vanish.
It was strange to be apart from her, as we drove over to the hotel. Hicks said he would call Big Sexy, while I went upstairs to pick up something for the beach for Jeanette and told the front desk about our change in plans. We had talked about who else to invite, but everyone else would be people that had been friends of both Stacy and I. I didn’t want a repeat of Friday, with Candice. I just didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want to have to be worried about her feeling awkward. Big Sexy wasn’t like that, and I knew that he’d look at Jeanette for who she was; the man was simply too polite to be any other way. A strange thing to say about him, and something I’d never say out loud, but it was the truth, and all the shady events in his past couldn’t change what the man was. His mother raised him right.
Big Sexy picked me up right off the ground when we went to pick him up, and didn’t let me down until he was laughing so hard he couldn’t hold me anymore. “You haven’t changed at all, Sean.”
I poked him in the gut as we walked back to Hicks’ truck. “You did. What’s that woman of yours feeding you?”
“Which one?” It’s as if I never left, and we’re slinging barbs at each other, with Hicks joining in until we’re all laughing. We talked about Jeanette, when we picked up some more food for later. He slapped my shoulder hard, joking around, but his hand stayed a second longer. He’s happy for me too.
I watched her from the doorway, my heart a lump in my throat. Everyone else had taken the supplies out back, leaving me to go back to the kitchen, where Candice said I would find Jeanette and Rachel. Her eyes softened as she said it, her head dropping as she smiled and walked away. We had joked around once, when I was making her dinner, about all of the kitchen stuff I had. I had more boxes of kitchen things than anything else. I liked to cook, as long as it wasn’t for myself. I hadn’t asked at the time if she did. I don’t know why I didn’t, but I didn’t.
Rachel looks very serious, as Jeanette steadies her hand with her own, turning the cake just right so the icing was smooth across the sides. I hadn’t asked, but if I had thought about it, I would have seen this. Emily’s birthday cake. When she sent John and Emily out for a walk so that she could finish decorating it. The day they were run down by a drunk driver. If I were to say that Jeanette hadn’t done this since that day, I don’t think that would be a lie.
Jeanette works neatly, and there’s hardly a drop of flour on her. Rachel is another matter, covered in flour and who knows what else; I don’t even want to imagine how much icing she’s eaten. She made everything from scratch, and, if the state of Rachel is any judge, she had Rachel for a ‘helper’ the entire time. She’s so patient with her, and kisses her floured forehead when Rachel makes a rose. It doesn’t look anything at all like a rose, but it doesn’t matter to Jeanette.
I have been seeing babies, and pregnant women, everywhere. Something I had never really looked at before. I have touched her stretchmarks, and seen pictures of her radiant smiling face, and her big belly. A picture of her incredible little girl sits on my nightstand. Watching her now, with Rachel, I see her as a mother too. I had to walk silently back outside, knowing that I was going to cry and not wanting to upset her. I couldn’t even begin to explain to anyone else. Candice is out on the front porch already, close to tears herself. “I’m sorry, Sean.” It felt strange and comforting at the same time to hug a woman I was ready to kill just two days ago. Jeanette in her own way made this possible too, even if she doesn’t know it happened. I told her I was sorry too, for her losing Stacy.
Jeanette rests her hand against my chest when I came back into the kitchen, looking at my eyes but not asking. Not asking with her voice anyways. Rachel had run upstairs to get changed, leaving us alone in the kitchen. The cake is beautiful, in its own weird way, with Rachel’s messy flowers and Jeanette’s perfect flowers all around it. I swallowed hard, cupping her face in my hands and holding her up to me. I wanted to explain how watching her had made me feel but I had no idea how to begin. I kissed her gently, for everything she had lost, for everything that was gone from her. Things that could never ever be replaced, but maybe things she could be given again, if she would let me.
“Is this your favourite thing, ‘Nette?” My voice broke as I whispered to her, the threat of tears close again. Her hand rests over my heart as she nods, blinking away tears of her own. “Will you start again?” My thumb traced over her eyelashes, brushing her tear away before it had a chance to fall. Her nod is smaller this time, but she’s smiling a little, as if just the thought of being able to say ‘yes’ to that question has pleased her. “What do you like to make more than anything else?” I was running over a list of things I already had in my kitchen, for her.
A beautiful smile breaks over her face, even her tears sparkled. “Cookies, Sean. I like to bake cookies.” I laughed and held her tight, at the image of her nibbling cookies. Of course that would be her favourite.
Big Sexy took a shine to her. I wasn’t worried about him being rude to her; I knew that would never happen, but I did worry, for a moment, how she would take him. I shouldn’t have worried. I peek past the mane of Rachel’s hair; she had asked me to dance with her, as Jeanette breaks into a peal of laughter at something he’s said. It occurs to me that all of the people I consider my true friends took a liking to her instantly. Even Candice, eventually, in the only way she knew how. Rachel’s nearly asleep, the excitement of the day too much for her. I get a wet kiss, and she hugs Jeanette so tight I thought she would choke the life out of her before Candice and D took her upstairs to get her into bed. She was tired but she wasn’t about to go willingly.
Big Sexy pulls me into another backbreaking hug, saying he has to leave. I’m torn between wanting everyone to go, and wanting to stay and talk to him all night. “Dance with your woman, Sean.” Of everyone here, he’s the one that knows exactly what that means to me. Stacy had asked me once to take her to a dance, and stupidly I had agreed. I almost backed out too, because I couldn’t dance, not really. My mother would dance with me, but she was gone by the time I was nine. My father had two left feet, and wasn’t around anymore to show me anyway. Big Sexy is the one that taught me to dance. Another thing you’d never guess just by looking at him. The man has grace, and style. And a heart as big as the rest of him, no wonder women love him. It sounded stupid the first time he said it, but I remember him telling me that when a man danced with a woman, he showed her his soul, his passion.
I take Jeanette’s hand after she gets a gentler hug of her own, and walk further down the beach with her to the water’s edge. She had said once before, on my back porch, that she wasn’t really much of a dancer, but that she would follow me if I led. I know that isn’t really true, the dancing part anyway. A woman shows her soul too, when she dances, and Jeanette can’t hide her soul, the passion within her. I led then because she had asked me to, but this time I would lead because I could, because it was the way I wanted to show her what was in my heart. My eyes stayed on hers, and our bodies stayed in constant contact, making love to her in the simple act of dancing with her, here on the beach.
Our bodies separated fleetingly, just our fingertips touching, before pulling her back, to let her know I would never let her go. That she was mine. That’s why I led; I would have even if she hadn’t asked. Our hearts raced against each other but it has everything to do with the way we are looking at each other, and nothing to do with exertion.
We notice things about each other, beautiful things that we once shared with another person. Her singing and my dancing; that we both like to cook. Small things that anyone else would feel uncomfortable mentioning, when they knew, really knew, what those things meant to us. “You used to dance with Stacy.” She smiles warmly at me as she says it.
Her eyes sparkle with gold in the dying light, my whole world in them. “I dance only for you, beloved.”
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