::FORTY::

I couldn’t sleep. I was too excited, too nervous. We had packed when we got back, and left the bags by the door. I wanted to make slow love to her; I wanted to curl up with her, to sleep with her, to talk to her. I wanted to squeeze her so tight she begged for release, I wanted to have room service send up coffee and cookies all night. I wanted all of that and more. I wanted everything; my heart raced, my mind raced. In the end I held her gently, and lost myself in the scent of her hair. Strawberries and that scent from the beach that never seems to leave once you’ve been there. We pulled all of the pillows and blankets from the bed and went outside to curl up together on the deck chair. It wasn’t our back porch, not even close, but it would do. I still couldn’t sleep.

Her laugh was that low seductive purr, a sound that could be felt right through her back into my chest, as we cuddled together outside. We were like a couple of little kids out there, playing fort. We had pillows and blankets, and after realizing I wasn’t going to sleep anyway, we had coffee and cookies. At first we talked, Jeanette giggling when she mentioned Rachel. We talked about other stuff too, until we looked at each other and realized that we were talking because we thought we had to. Laughing at how silly that was, we curled against each other again, and sat in our comfortable silence, listening to the sounds of LA.

I never thought I would miss the sound of coyotes. I hated them when I first moved to El Paso. The yips would start somewhere near sunset. Then they would all be singing together, and it would break into howling, before it petered out to yips again. I swore to myself it was a curse inflicted on me. One drunken night I went a little nuts, and threw a bunch of bottles out there at them, driven to yelling and shouting out into the night at them. Their yips sounded like laughter and the next morning, with a hell of a sore head, I spent an hour picking up broken glass, ashamed of myself. Now, listening to the fights, and screaming traffic, a report that I knew instantly was gunfire, I knew more than ever that I loved the sound of coyotes. I wanted to do this, sit out on the back porch with beautiful ‘Nette and listen to the coyotes singing in the canyon behind our house.

My hand stroked over the gentle curve of her belly, as the sounds of the city quieted. They never die down completely, not until that moment just before dawn when everything, out of breath, seemed to rest for just one moment. She had fallen asleep, and I spent the whole night just watching her. She had a nice dream at one point, her face breaking into a little smile as she nestled against me. I cuddled with her, and dreamt with her, it didn’t matter that I was awake when I did it. I dreamt of us at fifty or so, all of the many kids we’d had grown and out of the house, and us together again on the back porch. It may have only been a daydream but it wasn’t any the less of a dream for that.

I gently kissed her awake at around four thirty or so. Dawn. The sun was a ball of fire at the very bottom edge of the horizon, and for a moment, the air was a pale shade of green, shaking off the darkness of the night before. It was silent. Not a sound, until the first rays of the sun settled on the trees, and the air filled with birdsong. Jeanette made no sound until it was done, until the sun rose enough that the regular sounds of the city began to intrude again. Then she turned to me and kissed me, her eyes holding mine the entire time. A gentle kiss that let me know that we had shared this, and that she was glad that I woke her.

Hicks would be here in a few minutes to pick us up. I couldn’t stop grinning at her, and didn’t know what to do with my hands after I was done with the ritual of shaving. I stood behind her in the bathroom, leaning against the door to watch her. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror, what I wanted was written all over my face, wanting to yell out at the top of my lungs what was in my heart to say. My hand brushed over the box I had been carrying all this time. That was a bad idea; I couldn’t keep my hands in my pockets either. She grinned when I took her hairbrush from her, carefully brushing out her chocolate black hair until it shone like silk. This day was going too fast and not fast enough at the same time.

I had to quickly wipe my hand on my jeans before holding her hand as we drove to the airstrip. My mouth was full of cotton and my lungs were full of dust, but I couldn’t stop my palms from sweating the closer the moment got. All of the water in my body seemed to be in my hands. Hicks just shook his head and grinned at me when he helped me load the bags on the plane. No help there. A quick hug for Jeanette, and a longer one for me. “I know she’ll say yes, Sean, so congratulations. Call us after, okay?” Said in a quiet whisper before we left. In an hour or so we would be home.

It’s a much smaller military plane this time, and much louder than either of the other two we’ve been on. Jeanette wipes her hand quickly on her own shirt this time, before she takes my hand. I had to give her a hand up, with a soldier helping her onto the plane itself. It wasn’t exactly made for a woman in a skirt to be comfortable. She smiles politely at the two soldiers sitting across the bay from us, on a bench that runs along the side of the plane. Her eyes close and her breath hitches when we prepare to take off, she’s so scared this time.

“Jeanette…” She’s so afraid. Her skin is so pale, and if I were to touch her, she would be cold. Her heart races, her chest rising and falling quickly, and I know she’s finding it hard to breath. The next time we go anywhere, we drive. My knuckle touches under her chin and her dark lashes flutter, revealing eyes brighter than they should be, with fear. “Nothing will happen, Jeanette…” Leaning in to kiss the bunched up spot between her eyebrows, her skin cool under the press of my lips. “You’re my angel; nothing will happen to you, ‘Nette. I would never let it.”

The two soldiers on the other side of the bay grinned at me, before putting their heads back, closing their eyes and pretending to be asleep. I kissed the tip of her nose, and the small dimple over the bow of her top lip, saving her lips for last. My hand reached back to pull the tie from her ponytail, and I stroked and threaded my hands through her hair until she rested her head into my hands. Her breathing had evened out a little, and the color had come back into her face again, as she took one long shuddering breath. She closed her eyes and let out a small self depreciating laugh, resting her cheek against my hand. “You know you’ll have to do that all over again when we have to land.”

I lean in; to nuzzle over her cheek before letting my lips graze against her ear. “We’ll be in the air for less than an hour, what do you bet I can make you forget all about it?” So close to her, my eyes close for a moment, as I think of how arrogant, how stupid, what I said might have sounded. Underneath it is that flush of male pride, knowing that I can make her forget about it, if I want to. Time froze for a moment; maybe it was just me, while I let her decide.

I thought she was pulling away from me for a moment but she’s just looking up at me, that bright spark in her eyes again. Not fear this time, but that spark of daring before we made love on the balcony. She kissed me first, a soft gentle kiss as her eyes watched me intently, that deep softness in them. A ‘thank you’ without words, before she kissed me hard, her small moan muffled in the depth of it.

I pulled her closer to me, breathing in the strawberry scent of her hair, the warm smell of her skin. Her hand is cool as it traces over my skin, finding its way under my shirt to rest on my hip. If either one of us could have been comfortable with her sitting in my lap, I would have pulled here there. In the end, we spent three quarters of an hour necking, oblivious to the sound of the small plane, oblivious to everything but each other. Her hand gripped me tighter and her breath came even quicker when we began our descent into El Paso. Her kiss deepens in her need to be close to me, needing me to protect her and make her feel safe. We come up for air again at the sharp bark of the landing gear hitting the strip.

I know I didn’t keep her safe, it was the pilot, and the plane itself, and a thousand other things that I had no control over, but she’s looking up at me, and deep in my heart, we both know that I kept her safe. “You could make me like flying, Sean.” Her smile has me grinning like a fool again, but I don’t care.

“No more flying, ‘Nette, I’ll never do this to you again.” I’ve made a mess of her hair and she stays still to let me try to straighten it out again, settling at the last to tuck it behind her ears. My fingertips tracing the outer shell of her ear; she’s not cold any more either.

She leans in, until our noses just touch, her voice barely louder than a breath. “Don’t say that, Sean. In a flight with a little privacy you could make me forget everything else.” We’re playing dare again. I let out the smallest of whimpers leaning in to kiss her, the image of her sweat slicked body as we made illicit love hard and fast on some flight to somewhere with tropical beaches where she’d wear nothing but bikinis if she wore anything at all. Dare.

“You’re going to have to walk in front of me when we leave this plane, beautiful.” The soldiers wait until we get up to leave, saying nothing, just a nod and a smile to me as I pass with Jeanette walking in front of me. I’m so hard it’s hard to walk comfortably, that last image is going to stay with me for a while. She jumps down into my arms rather than wait for one of the soldiers above her to help her down to where I wait, my arms up to catch her. That she just trusted me to catch her touches me, she didn’t ask first, she just knew I would be there to catch her. I held her a second longer, holding her eyes with mine, before our noses touched and I let her down again.

I’m grinning again, leaning down to hold Jeanette’s hand, as Alvarez peels himself off the side of his car and walks towards us. He knows what I’m going to ask her today, what I flew back in a rush to ask her, and we share a look. Not his patented leer, this is different, a look of pure happiness, for someone else. Alvarez is a romantic after all, and that I wanted to call the vacation short to rush back here at any time of the day or night, just so I could ask her in the perfect place, in the perfect way, has spoken to something deep in him. His hand stays on my shoulder as he nearly picks Jeanette up off the ground in a fierce hug. Damn, but it felt good to be back. If either one of us was someone other than who we were, I would have kissed the man, and I wouldn’t have given a damn who was watching.

“Let’s get you two kids home, Vetter.” His happy grin does turn into a leer at that point, as if it’s something he can’t help. Putting the bags into the back of the car, Jeanette and I, as if pulled by strings, look out over the mountains above Juarez, our hands reaching out for each other again. We’re home, even if we’re not at the house yet, we’re back where we belong. I don’t know how I could ever have been homesick for anywhere else. I had intended on sitting next to her in the back seat, but she grins at me, and won’t move over, pointing to the front seat so I’ll sit and talk with Alvarez. I opened the door and looked over at Alvarez, taking a deep breath and trying to wipe the happy grin off my face as I pass the tray off coffees over the seat to Jeanette. When he reaches between his feet for the bag of danishes, I’m sold. Neither one of us has had breakfast; it was too early when we left. Fuck it. I lean across and kiss him hard between the eyes, the man is beautiful. I feel too good to feel stupid about it, and Alvarez and Jeanette both are laughing hard at me. Danishes have never tasted so good. “If you’re kissing me, Vetter, I better get you two home in a hurry, before it’s too late, and we all get rousted for some sort of an indecency charge.”

My belly started to flutter as we got closer to home, and I had to put my coffee down or I would have thrown up. The drive took forever. And it was over too soon. A couple of minutes and we would be home, with nothing stopping me. Could I really do this? Was I ready? What if she said no? What if it was too soon for me? For her? What if….My knuckles were white, and I think I had stopped breathing. Alvarez just looked over at me and smiled. “Breathe, Vetter.” It was said so quietly, so calmly, that I felt at ease just at the sound of his voice, my wave of momentary panic passing. I can do this.

“Jeanette, I need you to do something for me.” My hand reached across the seat, to take hers. The skin bunches between her eyebrows at my serious tone, and my thumb strokes over hers to try to put her at ease. It’s not working, I’m too tense myself, but I keep doing it anyway. “Close your eyes, beautiful.” When her eyes close, I close mine for a moment, in silent prayer, opening them when Alvarez pulls up to the house. Her eyes are still closed. I look out over the front yard, now neatly mowed. The two gardens that had once run to ruin along the sides of the house are now full of flowers, where there were weeds just a short while ago. I can’t tell Alvarez right now what it means to me that he’s done this for me, not if I want it to be a surprise for Jeanette. “Keep them closed, ‘Nette.”

She smiles and laughs softly, but keeps her eyes closed until I open her door and, holding her arm, help her out of the car. I tell Alvarez I’ll be back in a second for the bags, and help Jeanette, her eyes still closed, up to the house. Alvarez comes behind us carrying the two bags anyway, waving off my silent protests. The stairs are going to be difficult and I’ve scooped her up in my arms to carry her, needing to close my eyes for a moment at the thought of carrying her over the threshold again. I’m shaking a little, and Alvarez takes the keys from my hand to open the door for me, following me inside and dropping the bags in the living room. I trembled when I put Jeanette down, my voice shaking as I told her to keep her eyes closed for just a moment longer. I let go of her, to hug Alvarez again. “Thank you, for everything Alvarez. I’ll never forget this.”

The both of us back up, straightening up again, and trying to pull ourselves together. We both have the start of tears in our eyes. One of those moments guys don’t talk about. Ever. “Call me, Vetter.” He reaches over to kiss Jeanette, making her giggle again, before he leaves. The door closes, and I’m wondering how long I can stand here in silence in the living room, her eyes closed, before she starts to wonder about me. Our house is quiet and still. Alvarez and his family tidied, and opened all the windows before we got home, so that our house wouldn’t be musty and stale. I don’t know how I will ever thank him.

Jeanette stands, almost shyly, her feet fidgeting, her hands laced in front of her. Her dark lashes lay against her cheeks, her eyes closed and the skin between her eyebrows bunched. Her hair is still tousled from us necking on the flight. I reach out to tuck her hair behind her ear again, and I know my hand is shaking. Her head tilts up to me, her eyes still closed. My hand is still behind her ear, and my other joins it, cupping her other ear. Leaning in to kiss her, so gently, just feeling her lips against mine, my eyes are closed too. Her lips are so soft, bruised slightly from kissing her so hard before. My lips stay touching hers, not kissing, just touching, breathing in her every breath, as if she’s all I need to live. My hands move down her throat, skimming over her collarbones. Caressing over her arms to interlace my fingers with hers. “I love you, Jeanette.” I know I love her, and I’ve often said I love her, but sometimes the depth of the emotion hits me so hard I feel like I could cry with the depth of it. “Come with me.”

I felt like I was floating, and I couldn’t breathe. Like I was dying, but with no pain, everything bright in my head. I held her hand and helped her step over the edge of the doorway onto our back porch. I couldn’t breathe, and there’s a small cowardly part of me that wants to back out, that wants to get drunk, so that I can go through with this without being so afraid. But I won’t. “Sit, beautiful Jeanette.” My voice shook, and I tried to clear my throat, so that it would stop shaking, but I know I won’t be able to stop. I just hope I’ll be able to speak.

“Sean…?” Her head tilts to the side, releasing her hair from behind her ear. I’m lost for a moment watching a tress of it as it floats down past her shoulder to rest against her breast. Everything is so clear, like I’ve been granted some sort of a gift, so that I can remember everything about this moment in crystal clarity. Her hair looks beautiful against the cream of her shirt and my fingertips touch it for a moment before tucking it back behind her ear again.

I knelt at her feet, to lean in to kiss her eyelashes. My mother told me a story a long time ago, I don’t remember all of it, and I think it got mixed up in the telling. I kissed her awake, my not quite sleeping beauty. “Open your eyes, beloved.”

The black fans of her lashes sweep upwards, a flicker of confusion dances in the dark pools of her eyes as she takes me in, kneeling at her feet on the step below her. We both swallow hard, knowing in our hearts what this means, and for just this moment before it happens, that expectancy. Sure but not daring to be too sure. My eyes flick to the sides of the house, the gardens on either side, and the planters on the steps, willing her eyes to follow mine. The gardens and the planters are a riot of pink daisies swaying slightly in the early morning breeze. A porch glider sits beside the door into the kitchen.

“Sean…” Her voice is so soft I could sink to the bottom of her, so like that deep softness in her eyes that it’s hard to breathe again. Her lashes flutter closed again, rising as her tears spill silently, as she takes it all in. My lips trace over them, the salt of them making my lips tingle.

“I love you, Jeanette. From the moment I first saw you, I knew…” I knew, even if I wasn’t sure that I knew. When she knew how I felt without having to ask, when she let me walk with her. When she turned for that moment, to look at the mountains behind her. I knew.

“You did this for me?” Her voice shakes, like mine. Her hands shake, like mine, as she reaches out to take my hands, only stilling when we touch each other. “I love you so much, Sean.” Her voice breaks at the last, and another tear rolls down her cheek, making her drop her head.

I untangle one hand from hers to lean in and touch her chin, raising her eyes to mine again. “I would spend the rest of my life finding ways to make you happy, Jeanette. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, for you.” I close my eyes and try to breathe, so I can get through this without crying, without the lump in my throat making me unable to finish. I’ve carried this ring box with me all this time. Some of the velvet has rubbed off the corners. I don’t know how to do this. I hold her hands in mine, the ring box held between us. Looking up at last, at her incredible black brown eyes still shimmering with tears. “Please, Jeanette…” I know I’m ready to beg, to plead if I have to, I’m already on my knees. “I need you in my life, please marry me Jeanette. Please be my wife.”

She doesn’t look down at the ring, her eyes haven’t left mine. “Yes.” I want to plead with her still, there’s no way she could have said yes, she had to have said something else. I open my mouth, willing anything to come out. “Yes, Sean.” We both swallow hard. From one moment to the next, mere seconds, but it feels like forever. Suns could burn out and be reborn waiting for us to breathe again. She said yes. I don’t know what that word means. It keeps repeating in my head like it should make some sort of sense to me. I feel so confused. “Yes, Sean, I will marry you.” That’s what the yes means, that she’ll marry me, and be my wife. My wife.

The ring box rests in the nest we’ve made of our hands, and I take a breath and let it out. My hands shake as I open the box for her. She said yes without even seeing the ring. Somewhere in the back of my head this means something and it takes me a moment to think about it. She said yes to ME. “It’s beautiful, Sean.” Her voice is tiny, a whisper, broken by the tears that keep welling up. She looks down at her wedding ring before looking back at me, blinking slowly, the depth of her eyes making me fall into her again. She untangles her other hand from mine, making me worry for a moment. If I let go of her, she’ll vanish in the morning breeze and I’ll never see her again and my life will be over and…..Stop, I need to stop.

Her hand runs over her wedding band, turning it to make it easier to take it off. I had to do the same thing; it’s hard when you’ve worn it for so long. I had lain on my bed and done the same thing, when I took my own ring off. “Stop, Jeanette.” My hand covers hers, and our eyes raise to each other again, her confusion easing at seeing me. I don’t need to see myself to know that the softness in her eyes is also in mine. I take her hand in mine, bringing it to my lips, and kissing her wedding ring, as she had done, on our first date. It touches her the same way it touched me. “Jeanette…?” My hands hold hers, touching her ring. She nods, watching my eyes the entire time. I slip John’s ring from her finger, in a strange sort of un-wedding ceremony, slipping the engagement ring onto her finger. “I will love you forever, Jeanette.”

I hold my hand out to her, shaking as she kisses my hand, Stacy’s ring, before slipping it from my finger. “Forever, Sean.” Both rings make that warm metallic click as they rub together in my hand. I look down at the now empty ring box in my hand, and can find no better place for both of our rings. They look right together, nestled together in the velvet box, before I close it and put it in my pocket.

She’ll be my wife; she’s going to marry me. She said yes. Our fingers interlace and my fingertip traces over her ring. We both tremble as our lips touch, and my breath comes back to me in a flood. I kiss her hard, knowing that if I don’t, I won’t be able to, not past this lump in my throat. She said yes.

copyright © 2006 xxxevilgrinxxx

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