I Can’t Let You Go 8

::EIGHT::

It started to rain when I left, just drizzling, so she was waiting inside for me. Sitting at a table, with a houseplant that she had bought. A housewarming gift, she called it, she said it counted, because I hadn’t unpacked yet.

The kiss was passionate, maybe deeper than it should have been, considering she was still at work. It was like nothing else around us existed, for just that moment. “Have I told you you’re beautiful, Jeanette?” It isn’t what I wanted to say. Looking down at her, her dark eyes heavy lidded, as the kiss broke, I had wanted to just say it, to say I loved her. The depth of the need to say it surprised me a little, scared me a little. I had thought, for a moment, when I hung up, that maybe it was just an old habit coming back. It’s not. If I told her now, she might think I was just playing with her, that I didn’t take her seriously. Knowing it, and keeping it to myself, is hard though.

Her thumb traces around the edge of the goatee, touching my lip. “You told me this morning, on the phone. It made my day.”

“I like that, making you happy. Come on, let’s go, or they’re going to think I took off with you and left them with all the unpacking.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

It was very tempting, to just drive with her, go anywhere, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to share. I wanted to be with her, and her alone. She must have caught what I was thinking, or maybe she was thinking it herself. Kissing my hand, grinning, as we pull into the driveway. “Too late, they’ve seen us now.”

Alvarez, Adriana and the boys are waiting for us on the porch. I stop Jeanette, before she gets out of the car. “They won’t be here all night, the boys go to bed early.” It was already about six o’clock. “Will you stay with me, when they’re gone?” Her eyes watch mine for a moment, trying to judge my intentions, perhaps. A small nod, she’s swallowing hard, a little nervous. “I would never hurt you, Jeanette. Not in any way, not ever. I just want you to myself for a little bit.” I’m nervous too, nervous she’ll say no, nervous she won’t trust me. I’m nervous because I know that I’m falling in love with her, and if I’m with her by myself, I just might tell her so. Time stops, in those few seconds, drawing out, before she kissed me, and told me, without saying a word, that she would stay.

“I thought you might have ditched us, Vetter.” Alvarez steps off the porch, into the drizzling rain, to shake hands with Jeanette, introducing himself and his family.

“I was tempted, I admit it.”

Miguel, nine, shook Jeanette’s hand, before running back into the living room, where we were setting up the TV, and finding some music to play. Sandro, seven, who I’ve never once seen quiet or shy in the entire time I’ve known him, hid behind his mother. When it was his turn to be introduced, he walked forward holding his hands knotted together like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. Jeanette knelt down to his level, taking one of his hands and shaking it, not letting it go when she’s done.

“Hello Sandro, I’m Jeanette.” Sandro is the spitting image of his father, his face serious, as he looks from me to Jeanette.

“Are you going to be my Auntie? Mom and Dad say Uncle Sean doesn’t have an Auntie anymore.” The boys have been calling me their Uncle Sean for a while, ever since Alvarez started bringing me over for dinner. His parents, used to Sandro saying very serious things by now, started to laugh a little. Jeanette didn’t, she just smiled at him, his face scrunched up, trying to put it together in his head.

“If you want to call me your Auntie Jeanette, you can.” He breaks into a big smile, before tearing off through the house into the back yard.

I kiss her again quickly, before Adriana tugs her into the kitchen, to sort out the boxes there. “That was sweet, ‘Nette.” She grins back at me, before she’s pulled into the kitchen.

Alvarez and Miguel went out for pizza, while we spent about an hour or so unpacking, piling the broken down boxes out front, until the house was mostly clear. Adriana talking non stop to Jeanette. I wondered what would make her run screaming from the house now that the mess hadn’t, Sandro’s apparent crush on her, or Adriana, who asked so many personal questions, I thought I would have to intervene. Sandro stayed in the kitchen, never leaving Jeanette’s side, passing her dishes and pots from whatever box she happened to be unpacking. Everyone laughed when he found another coffeemaker among the boxes.

We move out back to the porch, kissing again, when Alvarez came back with the pizza. It felt like forever since I had touched her, even though it was only about an hour or so.

“You two are like a pair of teenagers.” Alvarez is bringing two glasses of wine for us out here, and leaving one of the pizza boxes. “We’re going to take the boys home, Vetter, before I have to turn a hose on you two kids.” Alvarez and Adriana hug Jeanette, before leaving. Sandro very nearly had a meltdown, when he realized he was going home without saying goodbye to her, but he settled right down, actually blushing, when she kissed him on the cheek. I had her to myself again.

“Do you still want to stay with me, ‘Nette? I want you to stay, but I’ll take you home, if you want me to.” I wanted her to stay. More than anything, I wanted her to stay, but I didn’t want her to be nervous. I didn’t want it to be like that with her, I wanted more, and if I had to wait, I would.

I watched her eyes carefully, tucking her hair behind her ear, and tilting her face up to mine. There was no nervousness there, only that indefinable softness. She wanted to stay, as much as I wanted her to. “Yes, I want to stay.”

“Good. It would have killed me to take you home right now. Wait here.” I kissed her forehead, before going back into the house, and coming out with a blanket. It wasn’t cold yet, but it was raining harder now, and it would be cold soon. I was nervous, when I got back with the blanket, and so was she, a little, her fingers tugging at the bottom of her shirt again, as she sat on the porch. My hand shook, as I reached out to stop her from doing it. Holding her hand in mine, her thumb tracing patterns over mine, until it stops trembling.

We had kissed before, passionately, but also publicly, and somehow, kissing her here, at my house was different. Maybe because, if it was something we were ready for, we both know she wouldn’t be leaving, that she would spend the night with me. We both sit still for a moment, holding hands, like a breath before a plunge, before leaning in, to kiss again.

A deep kiss, that has us both pull closer, our hands holding what we can, not content to just hold hands any longer. Her hands slip over my chest, her arms around me neck, turned uncomfortably, until my hands on her hips lift her up, pulling us both back.

The weight of her on my chest, as we both lie back, has us both freeze, the kiss broken. “I’m sorry, Jeanette. Is it too far?” Her arms are still around my neck, our lips still close enough to touch, if either of us moved. I can feel her heart racing, against my chest, and know mine is too. It felt like forever, waiting for her to speak, waiting for her to kiss me again. “No, I want this too, it’s not too far.”

Her hips straddle mine, my hands resting, but not resting easily, at her waist. She reaches back, sitting up a little, my waking dream of her, of making love to her, comes back, in vivid detail. Pulling the blanket over the both of us, lowering slowly, my hands sliding into her hair, trying to keep still, the heat of her, the weight of her in my lap, making that difficult.

Our breathing becomes heavy, a soft moan becoming a shared hum, as kissing deepens, becomes necking. Breaking our kiss to suck and kiss at her ears, her neck, feeling her teeth nip at my jaw. Trying to be gentle, to keep enough control not to bruise. Our hands pulling at our shirts, to touch bare skin, our bellies touching.

We both pull back for a moment, as my hand cups her breast. There’s no denying the way I feel about her, my erection pressed hard into her thigh. Neither of us has pulled away, it’s silly to think we have no effect on each other. She’s braced on an elbow, as we watch each other, our eyes intense, but underneath, that deep softness. Her hand covers mine, over her breast. A deep sigh, our heartbeats stilling, as we watch each other.

She smiles down at me, her voice almost sad, “We have to stop, don’t we.” Her hand hasn’t moved, and neither has mine. I don’t want to stop touching her, but I know we have to stop.

“Just for now, Jeanette. We can’t take it any farther than this tonight. Stay…” I hold her in my lap, as she moves to get up. “Just stay with me, ‘Nette, please.”

“I didn’t mean to tease, Sean.”

Her voice is quiet, as she lowers her head to my chest for a moment. I don’t need to ask her to know this is hard for her too, it’s not just me. “You mean so much to me, ‘Nette, it’s not teasing, I want you here with me.” My hand strokes her back for a moment, feeling her tremble under the touch. “To be honest, I haven’t had to think about this for a long time, but I don’t want to get you pregnant, I just didn’t think about it.”

She laughs softly, pulling her head back up to look at me. “One of us would have thought about it.”

“Better to stop before we get there.” I tuck her hair behind her ear, just wanting to touch her, to keep looking at her, to let her know what I feel, even if I can’t say it yet. “Jeanette, I don’t want to rush with you.”

“I love being with you, Sean, you make me happy. I don’t want to rush, either. I just…I just didn’t want you to think I was playing with your feelings.”

I held her like that, no sound but the rain. I could have held her like that forever, holding her dark eyes with mine.

Her hips shift under me, her grin turns to a soft laugh. “Ow…my leg is falling asleep..”

I stop her, my hand holding her hip, as she moves to get up. “I can’t let you go, ‘Nette.” I kiss her softly, as she moves her cramped leg, getting comfortable again. “Stay with me, stay here. Just sleep.”

next…