I can’t believe it was that easy. Just like she said it would be. No wonder her damn bosses said she’s the fucking best.
I’ve been pacing back and forth, like an animal caged, counting steps in a lame attempt to distract my mind from the fact that Hanna will be here any time now, but it’s not working.
Here I am like a little kid on Christmas day waiting to open the gifts, making a supreme effort to not start bouncing up and down with excitement. I’m so pathetic I feel like puking. Damn, I need to get a grip before she lands.
As soon as Crystal knew that Hanna was going to join us, she begged Rey to let her come with me to watch for her at the airport. My first impulse was say ‘no way’, but then again maybe that would have aroused unwanted suspicions, and definitively that’s not an option around Rey.
Last thing I need is to have that sick bastard having second thoughts about me. I’m already living on borrowed time, just like Crystal, not to mention the fact I’m already in deep shit and I don’t really know how the fuck I found myself here. Well, hell, that’s not true. I know how but maybe I should be wondering why I landed on the devil’s lap so easily, making myself as comfortable as possible. Why did I sell my soul so fast to the devil not even giving it a second thought? Damnit!
I feel like a prisoner sentenced to death, waiting for a pardon I’m not sure anymore if I deserve it even though I put myself right where the FBI wanted me. Shit! And I did it all by myself! When the hell did I become a prize idiot?
If Vince could see me now, he sure as hell would beat the shit out of me and probably I would help him, begging for more. I always was a tough fucker, but shit! I’ve been reduced to a damn moron in a matter of days, letting Rey play me like a fucking numbskull.
Crystal glances at me, a mischievous spark in her eyes. She smiles sweetly, squeezing my forearm, mouthing ‘relax, big guy’, giggling.
I narrow my eyes, staring at her. Now I’m sure Crystal’s not as dumb as she seems, and I’m starting to suspect she’s like William in some bizarre way. I bet she enjoys silently playing dumb with men. I wonder if Rey notices and he’s letting her get away with it or if he’s waiting to see what she is able to make of herself?
I know this little bitch can see through me, and I’m not actually sure if that’s a good thing or not. So, I better make a mental note to talk with Hanna about Crystal’s deal.
I’ve been watching the jets run along the runway for what feels like hours. The speed of those things in the air is like hell, but damn, once they land it takes forever to close the short distance between the runway and the terminal. Hell, I don’t know if it’s me or what, but it seems the fucking jet is moving in slow motion. Come on, motherfucker, come on.
I’m so nervous my hands are shaking and my throat feels painfully dry even though I’m not thirsty. In fact I lost count of how many bottles of water I drank. I’ve even been running on the beach, training like a man possessed, burning away all the toxic shit I still had in my body. I didn’t want to have a single drop of alcohol or coke in my veins when she landed.
I still don’t believe that fucker sent his private jet to LA just to indulge my whim like I was one of his whores asking for a new exclusive outfit, and for a second I had the bizarre sensation he was… jealous?
Of course, Rey was bitching for a couple of hours, asking me what she has Sara doesn’t. Shit! He’s gotta be kidding. Like it’s the same. For fuck’s sake!
I almost rolled my eyes and smacked his head, telling that fucker to get a damn grip, but I managed to remain calm, doing my best not to show any emotion. Instead, I acted like a spoiled brat, telling him he had his own bitch with him and that I wanted mine, adding for effect that ‘close friends’ are constantly doing favors for each others.
I don’t know if the key word was ‘close’ or ‘friend’, or the combination of both, but Rey rolled his eyes, shaking his head, snapping his fingers and voila; he made my wish come true, just like the damn genie in the lamp. I only hope my words don’t end backfiring and that bastard has the brilliant idea to take this ‘favor’ out on me, or worse on Hanna.
I don’t like it one bit that Hanna will be at his hands’ reach though, but I guess I have no other choice, I can’t do this alone anymore. At least we will be together in the same place and sure as hell the rules he set for Crystal goes for Hanna all the same; I already made sure of that part of the deal.
Maybe I’m pushing my own luck but honestly I don’t give a damn. I know I’m not gonna be able to go through a repeat or a second round of what took place at his yacht, and I don’t dare to figure the devastation a new encounter with Rey would cause to Hanna’s psyche. However, it sure helps that this fucker knows pretty well I’m not good at sharing, I guess he remembered that from our past together like he remembered my favorite colour.
Rey had narrowed his eyes in suspicion, tensing, and I felt like he was reading me like an open book, but after a moment, he grinned evilly saying that she has been a great fuck, but not that great, adding Hanna may be beautiful and mysterious but she’s as cold as ice.
Whatever, motherfucker. I don’t give a fucking shit about your opinion here. You’re just a pathetic excuse of a wannabe classy richie who likes to fuck boys, likes bright Barbie pink and you have no taste, not to mention the fact you’re a psycho with delusions of grandeur. I’d tell you where you can stick your opinion about Hanna, but I bet you would be able to enjoy it. Fuck off, asshole!
However I know better than to trust the Cuban and if my memory is as good as I think it is, he never gave up that easily regarding pussy. So, I better keep my guard up just in case he decides to set new rules regarding Crystal and Hanna.
In any case, I don’t think I can fuck Crystal again after our talk on the beach. And it’s not like the girl is not able to make my dick hard as a rock in a second, screaming for action. But now fucking a nineteen year old hot as hell chick doesn’t seem so appealing anymore, especially after what I discovered about her. Now it just doesn’t feel right.
I bury my hands inside the pockets of my jeans, closing them into fists. I know I’m going to start chewing my nails any time soon if I have to wait much more. Damn, I almost can’t breath. Jesus! Why the hell is that damn jet still running along the runway?!
I grin from ear to ear, watching Crystal squealing, jumping up and down when she lays her eyes on Hanna. Rushing to her, Crystal hugs her so tightly I swear she’s going to choke the life out of Hanna. In response, Hanna kisses Crystal’s cheek, lingering in her caress, hugging her back as her eyes close, smiling wide.
I can’t help it and my heart skips a beat watching Hanna’s reaction. I swear her face shows relief as soon as she gives Crystal a fast once over like she’s checking the little girl’s body has no bruises or injuries, and only when Hanna made sure of that, she lets out the air she was holding.
Damn, certainly Hanna cares for Crystal, but her behavior goes farther than mere friendship, respect or concern. I know they have a lot in common regarding a similar painful past, but even taking that fact into account, there’s something more I’m missing in this picture, something I’m not getting. At the end they met a few months ago. Why is Hanna so emotionally attached to this chick?
Crystal is almost panting, prattling non stop about how she already made plans for the three of them, shopping and spending the day at the spa. Shit, the three of them. Damn, I almost forgot about Sara.
I look at Sara as she sniffles lightly, rubbing the tip of her nose, wiping away the trace of her last line of coke as a short snort leaves her lips.
Rey made her come with Crystal and I, adding that I could let them at Bal Harbor Shops so they can spend an indecent amount of money on fashionable clothes and shoes while we deal with some unfinished business. I don’t even want to think what that bastard has up his sleeve now. I know first hand what he really means when he talks about dealing.
Sara rolls her eyes, sneering, hearing Crystal talking so fast I’m sure she will end choking on her own saliva. The redhead is doing a fine job at pretending, but she doesn’t look so excited at all with their ‘only girls’ day’. In fact Sara seems like someone made her drink poison as soon as her gaze crosses with Hanna’s. Oh, shit, if looks could kill…. I bet the redhead is wondering if there will be Dom’s dick for her anymore. Funny thing is I’m wondering that too.
Hanna glances at me from the corner of her eyes. Damn, those eyes will mean my death some day, I swear. They are sparkling like stars and all of sudden everything fades around us. I’m not even hearing Crystal’s voice anymore just Hanna’s.
Never thought a gaze could say so many things. I always knew words weren’t necessary between us, but damn, I feel like dying inside, finding myself gasping for air, panting in short gasps.
This is the moment I feared the most because I know Hanna can definitely see through me and what’s worse, she knows it too. Since the very first time Hanna came into my life I was never able to hide anything from her, and this time I suspect won’t be any different.
Talking with her by phone wasn’t as hard as I thought. I couldn’t see her eyes and she couldn’t see mine. That’s how I was able to tell her about Rey’s contact and how Miguel killed him; about the weapons and the encoded accounts, but that was all.
I didn’t tell her about Lorenzo. I couldn’t find the courage. It would have meant I could no longer deny what I did, what I’ve done. But, now, looking at her, I bet she knows I wasn’t telling her everything.
I’m sharing her chaotic mix of feelings and emotions wrapping my heart, squeezing my soul, dragging me to an abyss of unbearable pain and blind rage. Those green eyes with their grayish sparks around the pupils are piercing my soul, confirming her suspicions, and all of sudden I know she knows. Fuck!
While I was locked up in Lompoc I spent a lot of time and energy pretending, fooling everybody, including myself and it worked somehow because after many attempts I ended up believing my own lies. How wrong I was back then. I can’t pretend any longer at least not with Hanna. She knows me too damn well and I know as soon as I tell her I won’t be able to hide, to run away. I will have no other choice but to face the consequences of my acts.
I tear my eyes off Hanna’s. I can’t stand her gaze, staring at me. It hurts much more than I thought. I was ready to deal with her pain and sorrow; with her rage and anger, and even ready to deal with the Ice Queen, but I wasn’t ready for this.
Hanna’s not disappointed with me or mad, she doesn’t feel pity for me. She’s just closing herself to me, leaving me out. And it hurts much more, it hurts like a bitch.
Rey rented a mansion for a couple of nights and we’ve been hanging around together all day. We’ve been playing billiards, smoking Havana cigars and killing some bottles of tequila. Not a big deal. We’ve been prattling about old times. In fact, he’s been prattling, I’ve been just listening to him. Well, I’ve been pretending I was listening to that fucker talk about loyalty and family. Like this bastard knows shit about the meaning of those words.
Lorenzo wasn’t Rey’s only bro; he has two older brothers besides, twins. They are living in Europe but he doesn’t know their exact location for sure, not that he cares anyway. With the exception of Lorenzo, he has no relations with the rest.
His dad was executed in prison as soon as Castro assumed control of the Government and his mom found a way to get him on board a boat, blessing him before she was killed by the new political regime.
I figured Anti-Castro Cubans were the ones who helped him when he arrived in this country. Miami is full of them and they have strong political connections with Uncle Sam, not to mention the fact some of them are joined with organized crime also. No wonder he feels at home here.
I get to my feet, telling Rey I’m gonna take a nap, grinning like a loony when I add I want to be in shape when my cold bitch is back. I have a lot of catching up to do with ‘beautiful Hanna’. In response, he laughs dryly, whispering that bitch will mean my death if I’m not smart.
I narrow my eyes in suspicion at his words and he winks at me, his evil grin still plastered on his face. Was that a threat?
Miguel enters the room, saying that the masseur he ordered is already here. Rey nodded shortly and heads toward his bedroom. Funny, the fucker asked for a guy instead of a chick. Hmmm. I swear Rey is starting to get on my nerves with his bizarre behavior concerning sex and men. I hope this fucker wasn’t thinking about me while fucking the kid.
I shake my head slightly, dissolving that last weird vision. Definitely, that’s not my calling. So he better keep it to his fucking fantasies ‘cause sure as hell I’m not gonna make them come true, that’s for sure.
I collapse onto the huge bed face down, making myself comfortable. I don’t think I’m going to sleep, but at least I can try to relax a bit while waiting for Hanna to come back.
I wasn’t shitting when I said to Rey I wanted to be in shape for her because we had a lot of catching up to do. The fucker thought I was talking about sex. It figures. But, right now, sex is the last thing I need. Actually I’m over myself concerning that matter. No wonder, my dick seemed to have a life on its own.
I sigh hard. I definitely don’t need sex; what I need is answers and I needed them yesterday. I can’t get rid of a vision has been torturing my chaotic mind; Hanna holding Ricardo, crying in his arms.
I frown deeply, searching for a plausible reason for her behavior. There was real affection in their display and I’m not sure anymore if there was more behind it than mere friendship and respect. I heard her talking by phone with big dark guy and I’d swear they were just friends, but then again what the fuck do I know about Hanna’s past?
Certainly, she took good care to reveal just a few events here and there with the exception of all that damn shit regarding her father. I wonder if it was because she had no other choice or because she was consciously keeping the secret.
Damn, Hanna! You’re an unknown mystery for me.
The way Ricardo was shooting her, the words he used; I would say there was no sexual meaning behind them, but who knows? Then, there’s that damn envelope with her clinic report and her picture. It hadn’t been written by her, so there had to be some else who knew about she was pregnant with my son.
I know for sure it wasn’t someone linked with the FBI, Hanna knows if her bosses discovered our relationship, that would have meant her career would have ended in a second. Hanna wouldn’t be able to keep on being part of the three letter machinery. Then who was going to send me the envelope? And more important is why I never received it in the first place?
I know it sounds weird even to me but my guts tell me one firm candidate is Ricardo. I’m not saying it was him, just that it would explain why he wasn’t surprised or shocked when he found me in the basement. It was as if he was expecting for me to be there. Shit, I must be losing my sanity, that or the coke I’ve been doing has already started to kill my brain cells. Damnit! The uncertainty is killing me.
There’s another question echoing non stop and the answer is more painful. Why she didn’t tell me? Hanna knows what I think about kids. It’s true we didn’t talk too much about that matter back then, but still, she knew I loved them and she knew the meaning of the word ‘family’ to me.
Because I lost my mom and my dad, I never could enjoy a real one. Of course I had Mia and the team, but I had to fool myself, I had to pretend. I’m not saying they weren’t enough for me, because that’s not true. They were my family, but I think I always needed more even if I couldn’t explain it myself exactly what more I was expecting from life.
However, the painful reality is still there. Hanna didn’t tell me she was pregnant with my little boy, my Dominic. Damn!
I blink my all of sudden blurry vision when once more that little bump under my red shirt pops inside my mind.
Hanna said she loved me; she was in love with me. Why didn’t you tell me you were carrying my son in your womb, Hanna? It would have made all the difference, wouldn’t it? I was in love with her. Damn! I loved her with all my heart and soul. I would have died for her without a second thought. Why did she keep the secret?
I put my hand under my pillow, grabbing my gun as I close my eyes. Yeah, I sleep with my gun under the pillow since I’m around that bastard. I guess I feel safer that way. However it’s not like that fact is going to stop Rey if he wants to kill me. The fucker has a small army at his beck and call, and he makes sure to have all his men happy.
I’ve seen some of his bank accounts, Hanna showed them to me. Rey wastes millions each month, paying his monkeys. Add to that the fact that all of them have free access to his whores, and they are stunning, no exceptions. Just his dancers are out of reach for most. I figure Rey is still able to set categories inside his own chaos even though all of them are just pieces of meat for the fucker.
Then there’s that kid, the blondie richie. He was at Rey’s party at his yacht and the following day at our orgy. I can’t help but wonder who is that kid? Who’s his richie dad?
I’m realizing now that part of Rey’s motto is to find a way to keep you tied to him. In some bizarre way I think that bastard is like Hanna regarding weaknesses.
He had Crystal linked to him because he saved her life but she killed a man to keep that state. Crystal sold her soul to the devil, just like me, in exchange for a secure place to be and a quite high standard of living. In my case, I killed his brother in exchange for what? His trust? No. Fuck! I don’t even know. All I know is that I did it without too much thinking and now I’m trapped in his web.
I figure Rey’s not going to hand me over to the authorities, that’s not the way that fucker deals with this shit but he could find a way to set me up. Shit, shit, shit, I fucked up big time!
The only one who would be able to help me is Hanna. It the end she’s an FBI agent and that’s not any shit. I hope she won’t turn her back to me when I need her more than ever. I saw the way she was staring at me at the airport. Hanna knows I’m hiding something from her, but I’m starting to suspect that her pain and rage has nothing to do with the fact that I killed a man. Not because I didn’t tell her, but because I know her a little more than I thought I did at the beginning.
I’m not saying she won’t give a shit about Lorenzo’s brother, but I wonder if her reaction had something to do with the fact that I’ve been missing for days, fucking every chick that crossed my path. Fuck! I bet Hanna read Sara’s face like an open book. Damnit! They are all together in the same place, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the redhead ‘accidentally’ drops it that she has been fucking the shit out of me so that Hanna knows who she’s dealing with.
Well, hell, it’s not like we are together, aren’t we? I don’t have to be loyal or faithful to her. Hanna has a few explanations to give herself about Ricardo before she starts bitching about me. Fuck! I can’t believe all my thoughts ended up driving me to Hanna again and again. I’m more pathetic than I suspected.
Here I am, trying to justify my behavior when I don’t even know what the hell Ricardo’s deal is. As far as I know, he’s sitting comfortably, filling a place that belonged to me. What’s going to assure me big dark guy hasn’t been fucking Hanna while I was locked in prison?
A ragged sigh escapes my lips as I close my eyes conjuring a vision. I probably have no right to wish for that dream anymore, but I can’t help it. Fuck it! I don’t care if I’m a weak pathetic loser, I don’t give a damn. All I care about is that I need that vision more than air to breath. And even though it hurts more than I thought, I’m willing to bear the pain because it’s the only worthwhile thing left for me. I guess if I’m still able to feel this pain, I’m still alive.
I live in hell because I chose to be devil’s willing guest, but that doesn’t mean I can’t glance at Heaven searching for my guardian angel’s eyes. Heaven is not my home anymore and my soul is damned, but those eyes are still up there, watching me. If my soul won’t belong to God anymore, it sure as hell doesn’t belong to devil either, not yet.
Soft lips are brushing my right shoulder in time with a velvety murmur, wrapping around me, soothing me. I would be able to recognize those lips’ brushes among thousands, and I try with all my will to tell myself I’m dreaming so I can keep my sanity or I’ll end up crazy.
At first through the blurry mist of my mind I can’t make sense of the words, just the voice; Hanna’s. Her voice still haunts my dreams even after all this time and I can’t let go. The hope is killing me but it hurts much more when I fight it away.
The muscles of my back tense slightly when her lips slid past my shoulders up to my neck, drawing an invisible line. Her breath feels warm against my skin. Her full lips brush my ear, lingering in a smooth caress, causing a shiver to run up my spine as she whispers my name. Dominic.
Please, have mercy of me….
Locked in Lompoc I lost count of how many times I fell asleep, dreaming of her voice, her lips, waking me up just like this. They seem so real I don’t dare to open my eyes, afraid I’m still dreaming.
Please, let it be real…
I noticed the bed creaking lightly when she climbs in, making herself comfortable. Her lips leaving me for a second just to be replaced by her fingers, tracing a painfully slow path down my spine.
A heavy sigh escapes my lips, searching for the right words to say, my eyes still close, and all of sudden I’m scared to death.
Oh, God, please let it be real, please.
Her body is resting against mine, her breath light and fast, and all of sudden I feel something inside of me, crawling under my skin, the fear growing stronger. I felt this way before, lost, confused, insecure. I need to find a way to control this feeling that’s overwhelming me. I’m not dreaming, this is real. It’s fucking real.
I swallow hard as I work the nerve to open my eyes, searching desperately for a courage I’m not sure I have. I’m so scared. Damn, I’m terrified. Taking a ragged breath I open my eyes slowly, blinking away my blurry vision.
There she is, lying at my side, her head rested against the pillow, her lips just a breath away from my lips. She’s smiling shyly, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. I feel her hand, still stroking my shoulder.
“Shhh….it’s ok, baby, I’ll protect you…” she whispers loud enough for me to hear her as she raise her head slightly, nuzzling my shoulder. “You’re safe now.”
“Hanna…” it’s all I can force out before my throat closes completely.
“I’m here, Dominic,” She replies, her knuckles stroking my cheek. “Just look at me.” I notice her voice shaking, her fingertips shyly brushing my forehead.
There was a time when we couldn’t stand to be apart, when all we needed was to look at each other’s eyes and that was enough to make us feel safe, secure. It was much more than sex, much more than lust or passion. We were both a team, we were one, living our lives just to love the other. And now, staring at her eyes, those beautiful green eyes, I realize we’ve been pretending, putting on an act, consciously keeping ourselves at a distance not only physically but emotionally.
We’ve been shutting the other out, whether to protect ourselves or not, I’m not sure yet, but we’ve been doing this for so long that I certainly don’t know how to close the painful abyss between us.
Damn, when did we forget what was keeping us together? How did we end up like this?
Hanna swallows hard, clearing her throat as she shut her eyes for a second. “You scared the shit out of me,” Hanna whispers, her voice breaking. “I thought I lost you too,” she breathes, fighting back tears.
My heart stops dead, hearing her. Fuck, I’m a selfish bastard. I lifted my hand, wiping an unnoticed tear with my thumb, sighing hard.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I whisper, nuzzling her cheek. “I…I please, Hanna, please forgive me,” I feel my throat closing, that damn knot is not letting me talk. In response, she whimpers, nodding ‘yes’.
I know there’s so much to say and I already know we’re running out of time, but all of a sudden, this fucking case and Reynaldo mean nothing to me. I’m not sure how much time I’ve been alone here and I suspect that fucker is not going to give us too much peace or privacy.
I clear my throat, gulping past the knot so I can put voice to my thoughts. “Why didn’t you tell me, Hanna?” I ask, my voice low, in a whisper. I can’t force it louder, not now anyway. I don’t even know how I managed to say that much.
Hanna takes a shaky breath, swallowing hard, her eyes flickering to mine. The pain is so intense I’m forcing the air past the lump in my throat. She’s working up enough strength to tell me what she’s sure I desperately need to know.
She closes her eyes just for a second like she’s putting her thoughts in order. Hanna knows what I’m asking about, I bet Ricardo told her where he found me. Then she opens her eyes as I hold my breath in anticipation.
“I knew I was pregnant a few weeks after you entered Lompoc,” she pauses, our hands moving on their own accord, our fingers interlacing. “I was going to tell you, Dominic, I swear to God, but…but I was so scared, I was terrified of your reaction.”
I squeeze her hand lightly, letting out the air I was holding. Damn, I wasn’t expecting that. Hanna scared of me, scared of what I would say. I force myself to think about the last time I laid my eyes on her when all of sudden a vision I forgot completely pops inside my mind with such force I almost gasp.
I heard that word and my mind went blank. Glancing at William, he nodded at me, frowning slightly as I noticed his hand squeezing my shoulder. His mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I just could hear that word echoing inside my brain.
I turned my head, looking at Mia. She was crying silently, staring at me. Then my gaze slid past my kid sister’s, finding Hanna’s.
The words echo inside my brain, slipped through my lips before I could stop myself.
“You’re dead to me, Hanna,” I whispered, holding Hanna’s gaze, putting as much determination as I could in those words. Her eyes widen as she trembled violently, tears spilling down her cheeks as she gasped. Then she shut her eyes tightly, mouthing two words.
End Flash back
Damn! How could I forget that moment? Shit, I didn’t know what the hell I was saying. I was mad and scared to death and I hated her for what she had done to me. I needed someone to blame for all my fuckups and she became the perfect target, the easiest target.
I lifted our hands, kissing hers, squeezing gently before resting them against my heart. She’s not done yet, I know there’s much more; it’s eating her alive, tearing her apart. Hanna has been keeping it to herself for so long. And staring at her teary eyes I know without anybody telling me that I’m the first one she’s told and I’ll be the last one too.
“I quit smoking and asked for one year off. I didn’t want anything getting in the way of our baby, or hurting him…” she trails off, her gaze clouding with something I don’t understand. “I was eating fruits and vegetables and taking long walks. I went to each and every appointment with my doctor never skipping one. Not even one.” She swallows hard, forcing her voice out.
I know those memories are coming back with such force she’s going to break at any time. Hanna needs my strength, what little support I’m able to show her so she can go through that devastating experience one more time.
“I took care of myself, I swear I did, baby, you have to believe me…I did all I could, I swear to God, please, Dominic, please… say you believe me…” Her hoarse voice turns a weak whisper as her gaze clouds completely with an emotion I recognize as soon as she flashes me. Guilt.
“I do, Hanna, I believe in you, baby.” I whisper, fighting back my own tears, making sure my voice sounds firm, not a single trace of hesitation. And it’s true.
I saw her with Crystal this morning. If Hanna is able to show such real affection and tenderness with her, I know for sure she did everything she could to take care of our baby. Hanna wouldn’t be able to do something that could jeopardize her pregnancy, putting our baby’s life in danger. There are no doubts clouding my mind regarding that fact. I know it just like I know my name. Hanna loves kids just like me.
“I wanted to have your baby, I wanted him so badly…he was the only sign of our love, the only evidence we were in love… I was so happy, baby…He was growing slowly but with a strong determination and I was starting to feel it in my womb…” Hanna is shaking, her lips quivering. “I loved him so much, Dominic, I loved him with all my heart and soul because he was our son…” Unnoticed tears are falling down her cheeks as she whimpers in pain. “I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry I lost our baby boy, Dominic…”
My heart is racing inside my chest in time with hers as I blink away my own tears. For the first time since I saw her again, I don’t want to hurt her. I only want to be able to make her pain go away. Damn, I’m feeling how she’s falling apart, consumed by her pain and guilt. She’s falling so fast I won’t be able to stop her.
I pull her to me, holding her tightly as she buries her face in my neck, letting out a whimper. Hanna presses herself even more to me, crying loudly and I know I’m going to die, hearing her. Each new tear she sheds feels like a mortal stab directly at my soul.
I’ve been dragging our past along, not caring if I was killing her, not thinking if I was destroying her, tearing her apart.
The pain my stupid actions and words caused her is going to haunt me forever, plaguing me with nightmares. There’s no way I’m going to have a little peace of mind if I can’t find a way to repair the damage I already did.
I suspect no matter how fiercely I’ve been trying to fight away my feelings for Hanna, denying them, fighting them away; they are not going to extinguish. No matter how hard I keep fooling myself; those emotions are going to resist each and every single one of my charges, standing their ground come hell or high water.
I shut my eyes tightly, stroking her back as she opens up to me completely, letting herself go, crying unrestrained. Once again, there’s no trace of the Ice Queen, just Hanna, just my woman. She’s sobbing in my arms, her body shaking violently with the force of her pain.
“I lost him because I’m a bad person. I didn’t deserve that happiness, not after what I did to you. That’s why I lost my little baby, our little Dominic…”
I don’t feel my heart beating anymore and I’m panting in short gasp, searching for air to breath. Hanna’s dead inside. The guilt of losing our baby killed her. She has been so alone, so scared. Please, God, kill me. I just want to die.
We’re shaking, crying in each other arms. No one can understand what we’re going through right now. Tears are spilling down my cheeks as I fight with all my will to keep her with me. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose my woman. No after this. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care what she did or why. I don’t give a damn. It’s not worth it anymore. I need Hanna with me; I need her in my life. I can’t let her go and I won’t let her go.
I tilt my head back a bit so I can look at her eyes. Those green eyes, grayish sparks around the pupils will mean my death; I have no doubts about that, but hell, what a way to go.
I stroke her wrist with my thumb, feeling hers, brushing over the outside of mine. I’m caught by the feelings Hanna’s eyes are showing. We’re breathing in time, our hearts once more beating in unison, as one. That’s how it should have been since the beginning.
There are still questions I want an answer for, but I figure I can wait a little longer. This is not the moment or the place. What I want now is to feel my woman with me. The need is so intense I’m feeling it devouring me inside. I’m craving the evidence we’re still alive. It’s not sex, it’s not lust, It’s the only thing I can think right know to make us survive through the pain we’re sharing.
Hanna gasps soundly as her eyes widen, I think she feels the same way I do. Taking a ragged breath, I lean my head, brushing her lips with mine. It’s just a soft touch, shy even. Hanna shivers as I keep kissing her lightly. Her tears make her lips taste salty as I slowly trace the outline with the tip of my tongue.
She’s breathing through her nose, warm air caressing my lips as she opens her mouth, accepting me, her eyelids growing heavy. A soft moan escapes her parted lips as our tongues meet, brushing lightly. I fight to keep my eyes open, holding her gaze as she slid her tongue through my mouth, tasting me. Before I can think about it, our kiss deepens, and a growl leaves my lips.
We never increase the rhythm; the kiss is building slowly, keeping a firm path as unconsciously we press our bodies, needing to keep the contact, not being able to be apart. It’s not the first time we’ve kissed each other, but there’s something new that wasn’t there the last time.
Finally we break apart, searching for air we didn’t realize we were needing. Definitely, there’s something more between us that wasn’t there before. It had been just a kiss, but for the first time a kiss that said much more than mere words. I only have to figure out where this kiss will lead us.