He hasn’t let go of me. The weight of what he’s said heavy in the air between us. Still held by my hair, standing on my toes. Pressed hard against the wall, his chest to mine, a furnace. Violence thick in the air. Let my hands slide down to his hips. Still afraid. His anger is enough by itself, whether it’s directed at me, or just about me.
“Fuck, Anise….”
Said softly, his voice still ragged, his heart racing, a steady thrum close to my own chest. Frustration, rage and pain. Remorse. His hands ease, slightly, letting my feet touch ground again. His thumbs resting along my jaw, holding me gently now, like I’m something that would break. Fight the instinct to bolt. I can still feel waves of terrible rage coming off him, his face still hard and cruel. But I won’t run, even if I could. I can’t fight the fear completely, but I won’t run from him.
Don’t trust my own voice. I know if I spoke it would shake, and I would probably start to cry. Try to just stay still. Try to stop trembling. I don’t think he’d hurt me, not on purpose, but it’s so hard to not be afraid. It’s what he’s good at. Cultivating fear. From his mind games with me at first, his presence, the tightly controlled violence, his voice. I’d be more surprised if I wasn’t afraid.
But I try to control it anyway. He’s incredibly angry, that much is obvious. I doubt it’s his intention to frighten me though. There is something in him that tells me it would…..hurt him, if he knew he had. So I try to control my trembling. My hand pressed to his hip. If I take it off, I know it will shake, so I leave it where it is. Stroke the skin over his waist, to soothe him, to soothe me, I’m not sure.
His heartbeat slows. We both stand, frozen. How to move, what to do, what to say, after what’s been said, and done. His thumb strokes my jaw absently, pulling my face to his shoulder. His voice a low whisper, beside my ear.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I’ve just never seen you angry.”
Her voice is so quiet. Fighting to control the shakiness of it. I hate that I’ve scared her. That I’ve hurt her. Despite her fear, she hasn’t ran yet, hasn’t shrank from me, hasn’t cried. Let go of her, my hand sliding over her arm. If she wanted to she could run. She doesn’t. Her small hand, a lazy stroke up my side. Hold her face up to me, her beautiful eyes still wide.
“Are you afraid of me, Anise?”
Her head tilts to the side, just a little. The crease is back between her eyebrows. Her deep voice, calmer this time, the only sound.
“I’m afraid. I was afraid. Of you? I’m not sure. I don’t believe you’d hurt me, but I can’t help it if I’m afraid.”
“I’d never hurt you.”
“I know.”
She holds my eyes for a moment, her hand still. She’s not lying, or trying to make me feel better. I make it my business to scare the hell out of people. I’ve scared her. But not because she thought I was going to hurt her. I just scared her.
I feel calm the moment I said it. I KNOW he wouldn’t hurt me. Not on purpose. I just know. I would have known that, even if he hadn’t just said he loves me. I’ve never had anyone tell me that before. I don’t quite know what to do with it.
The rage is leaving him, but the intensity hasn’t. Still struggling for control over himself, his lips crush down on mine. Pushed back against the wall once more. My fear too has become something else. Answering back with force. Standing back on my toes, against the wall, anything, to get closer to him. Both panting hard against each other, making breathing difficult. Neither of us seems to care.
His need of me is clear, spoken stronger by his eyes, than by his erection pressed into my belly. I listen to both. The hands I had rested on his hips to soothe now slip lower. Incredibly soft skin, like velvet, shifts ever so slightly, so hard underneath. A deep moan sending vibrations across my lips, sinking lower, an ache.
Hands slip over my skin, pressing and pulling me up at the same time. Hands under my ass, my ankles locked behind his back. Adrenaline all the foreplay we need. Pressed hard against the wall, one hand free now, tangled in my hair. Pulling me even closer to him, his tongue plundering my mouth, a force of nature. Undeniable and unstoppable. Like I would do either, even if I could.
A hesitation, he pulls back, for just a second, watching my eyes, before driving up hard into me. A short scream, as he fills me in one thrust. Pulling back only a little before driving up again. Faster. The pace brutal and hard. Slamming into me so hard I feel faint. Hold tighter to his shoulders, feeling the scream build in me. Every muscle in him taut, strained, his body pressed hard against me. Breath in small snorts, that deep growl. An animal sound, out of control. His lips bruise mine, his tongue mirroring the cruel pace of his hips. My nails, like claws, scratch at his shoulders, his back, trying not to dig in, and not succeeding.
We break our kiss, unable to continue and breathe at the same time. Not willing to part completely, his forehead rests on mine. His voice a strangled moan, a wild sound he’s fighting to control. Gives up. A deep animal cry breaks free, and, once free, won’t go back. Only feeds the frenzied pace he’s set. He grows impossibly hard within me, his hips struggling to keep the pace he’s set. I gasp for breath against him, fighting my own shuddering scream. Neither of us capable of words, a look between us is all it takes. We both come hard, our cries deafening in the small space. Feel him come, deep within, so deep it hurts, my own inner convulsions pulling more from him.
His hips continue to buck into me, his muscles twitching uncontrolled. Withdrawal is an ache, his hands, themselves shaky, holding me up. His lips slide down, past my ear, to nuzzle my neck. Hands slip around my back, holding me tight to him, any tighter and I would break. Muffled words in my neck. I can’t hear him, his voice is too deep, too raw, too buried in me, to make it out. Doesn’t mean I don’t know what he’s saying.
A whisper in his ear, neither of us sure enough of what we feel to say it so clearly yet, to say it without being pulled to the brink of madness first.
“I love you too, Riddick.”
© 28 Jan 2006, 11:39