Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Last night, I had a pain in my knee. (Probably bursitis; nothing major.) At any rate, I went to WebMD to check my symptoms and reassure myself that it was, indeed, nothing major, and I came across their list of most-read stories. Number one on that list? “11 ‘Don’t-Tell-the-Wife’ Secrets All Men Keep.”
Really? “All Men?”
The pain in my knee receding into the background, I opened up the story. And it did not disappoint in its craptacularness.
Like all “X things that are absolutely true about any given gender” stories, it was a mix of things that are true for all human beings, things that aren’t true for all human beings, things that aren’t true for all men but are supposed to be, and things that are just naked, raw sexism at its worst. We take them in order.
Secret #1: Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day — but it doesn’t mean we want to leave you
If the oldest question in history is “What’s for dinner?” the second oldest is “Were you looking at her?” The answer: Yes — yes, we were. If you’re sure your man doesn’t look, it only means he possesses acute peripheral vision.
“When a woman walks by, even if I’m with my girlfriend, my vision picks it up,” says Doug LaFlamme, 28, of Laguna Hills, California. “I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I’m really in trouble if the woman walking by has a low-cut top on.”
Granted, we men are well aware that our sizing up the produce doesn’t sit well with you, given that we’ve already gone through the checkout line together. But our passing glances pose no threat.
“It’s not that I want to make a move on her,” says LaFlamme. “Looking at other women is like a radar that just won’t turn off.”
First of all, buddy: you said these were secrets. I know a lot of men and women, and not one woman is surprised to see her partner checking out other women. For that matter, not one man is surprised to see his partner checking out other men. Why? Because people are going to look, men and women alike. If you’re secure in your relationship, you’re not afraid to have your partner see someone else attractive. If you’re not…well, the problems are deeper than just looking at someone.
For those who are secure, though, the problem is not that you find someone else attractive — it’s when it crosses a line from looking to ogling. That’s a line that men cross far more often than women, because, let’s be honest, we’re told we’re supposed to. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior.
Secret #2: We actually do play golf to get away from you
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round. In other words, they stink. The point is this: “Going golfing” is not really about golf. It’s about you, the house, the kids — and the absence thereof.
“I certainly don’t play because I find it relaxing and enjoyable,” admits Roland Buckingham, 32, of Lewes, Delaware, whose usual golf score of 105 is a far-from-soothing figure. “As a matter of fact, sometimes by the fourth hole I wish I were back at the house with the kids screaming. But any time I leave the house and don’t invite my wife or kids — whether it’s for golf or bowling or picking up roadkill — I’m just getting away.”
Again, these are not secrets! Yes, no matter how much you like someone, at times you need to get away and do something else. The thing is, that also works in reverse. There are plenty of times your wife would like to get away from you and the kids. The question is not whether you’re playing golf to get away from them, the question is what are you doing to facilitate your wife getting the same privilege?
You see, it’s expected that men will go out golfing, or for beers with the guys, or for card night or to a ball game or a movie or concert or…well, you get the point. Women? Well…who’s going to watch Muffy and Junior? Me? Oh, honey, I have to work late that night.
Again, the ability to get away is a human need. And not just a male need. If you’re getting away all the damn time, well, you’re not pulling your weight at home. And you’re ensuring your partner has to pull more than her weight. There’s nothing wrong with getting away — but it needs to be fair. And it can’t become an excuse to shirk your responsibilities.
Secret #3: We’re unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we’ve made one to you
This is a dicey one, so first things first: We love you to death. We think you’re fantastic. Most of the time we’re absolutely thrilled that we’ve made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families, our friends and an expensive videographer.
But most of us didn’t spend our formative years thinking, “Gosh, I just can’t wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together.” Instead we were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears we could have sex with before we turned 30. Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.
You know, I was never unnerved by the thought of commitment. I won’t say that I lived up to my commitment during my marriage, because I didn’t — but the commitment itself was nothing that I was opposed to.
I’ve never been interested in just dating randomly. It never appealed to me, not even in High School when guys are supposed to be getting with as many girls as possible all the time. I wanted relationships, always. And while I won’t say that my mind never wandered during my marriage, I wouldn’t say hers never did, either — and frankly, it never bothered me, because I knew we were committed, and neither would ever stray. Never in my wildest dreams would I have cheated on my ex. I did a lot of stupid things, but that was always and ever beyond the pale for me.
My point? Guys are supposed to be “weirded out” by commitment, and women are supposed to crave it viscerally. But there are women who have trouble committing and guys like me who find it extremely natural. I’m sure for humans of all genders and orientations, there are moments of doubt in any relationship. The fact is, though, that a strong relationship can survive those moments. If a relationship can’t, the doubt wasn’t misplaced.
Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important
In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband — almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?
Yeah, well, that’s what we tell you. But we’re shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don’t think it gets under our skin if our woman’s bringing home more bacon than we are — and frying it up in a pan?
“My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper,” says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. “Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap.”
Oh, criminy. Your “secret” is poorly written. It isn’t “earning money makes us feel important” that you’re saying. It’s “earning more than you makes us feel important.”
How does one address this? I’m sorry — if you’re a man earning less than your partner, welcome to 2007. It’s not unusual, and it’s getting less unusual all the time. Get the hell over it. This is one of the lies the patriarchy tells men — that if we’re not the primary provider for our families, we are failures. Bullshit. If we’re contributing equally to our household, and our income combined with our partners’ is enough to pay the bills, we’re doing just fine. It is not a failure to make less than your partner.
What it does do, however, is make it impossible to assert privilege when you come home at the end of the day. You can’t simply walk past the messy kitchen, down to the un-vacuumed basement, flip on the TV and pop open a beer. Being in a relationship where the money earned is equal or so means you, as a man, can’t fall back on the old “I pay the bills” mantra that men were told they could fall back on, rather than pitch in. You know how you solve that? Drop the mantra. It was a stupid mantra to begin with.
Help your partner, be a partner, and you know what? It won’t matter who’s earning what money, because you’re both working hard, and you’re both partners. A man who works as hard as his spouse has nothing to apologize for. (Ditto a woman who works as hard as her spouse.) A man or woman who cuts corners, and foists jobs off on the other? No matter how much they make, they’re failing their family.
Secret #5: Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house
I risk being shunned at the local bar if this magazine finds its way there, because few charades are as beloved by guys as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower. And, as 30-year-old Ed Powers of Chicago admits, it’s a shameless lie. “In truth, it’s rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever,” he says. Plus we get to use tools.
“The reason we don’t share this information,” Powers adds, “is that most women don’t differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the Bears game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task.” There. Secret’s out.
First off — no, this isn’t true. I didn’t like fixing things, I’ve never liked fixing things, I never will like fixing things. Oh, there are some exceptions — I take some satisfaction in sewing a button on a suitcoat, for some reason — but by and large, I’d rather not have to fix something than have to. This is why I rent.
Second — note the quote in the second paragraph. Nice, huh? You see, fixing a hinge — that’s manly, tough work. The garbage? Meh, that’s girly work. The former is stuff men like. The latter is just something that has to get done.
Except — the latter is something that has to get done. Not to put too fine a point on it, but what this argues is that men should get out of the housework we don’t like in order to be able to do stuff we like more. That is not how housework works. Yes, it’s always great if one partner likes doing laundry and another hates it, but the other likes mowing the lawn and the other hates it. It’s easy to divide those tasks up. But most people don’t like taking the garbage out, or dusting the living room, or vacuuming the bedrooms. That doesn’t mean they don’t have to get done — yes, even if the Bears game is on. Maybe, just maybe, you can get it done Saturday night, and then you don’t need to worry about it.
Secret #6: We like it when you mother us, but we’re terrified that you’ll become your mother
With apologies to Sigmund Freud, Gloria Steinem — and my mother-in-law.
I don’t even know what this means. I really don’t. And the guy who wrote this doesn’t elaborate.
I think, and I’m just guessing here, but I think he’s saying that he likes when his wife does things for him, but doesn’t like when she complains about things. And…well, that makes sense, because everyone likes a servant who doesn’t complain. It’s not the secret to long-term happiness, mind you, but it’s sure a good deal if you can get it. But it’s not a partnership in any way, shape, or form.
Secret #7: Every year we love you more
Sure, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg.
With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we’ve only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we’re 40, 50 and — God forbid — 60. We can’t explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don’t love you now.
“It took at least a year before I really started to appreciate my wife for something other than just great sex; and I didn’t discover her mind fully until the third year we were married,” says Newton. “But the older and wiser I get, the more I love my wife.” Adds J.P. Neal, 32, of Potomac, Maryland: “The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don’t hit you right away. It’s only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in.”
This is true, as far as it goes — if you’re in a good relationship, it only deepens and gets better with time. But I hate, hate, hate the call back to men’s soi disant emotional childishness.
You know what? Men have emotions. We have had them all our lives. We’re not taught to accept or appreciate them, mind you (too girly), but we have ‘em. And love — powerful, deep, abiding love — is one of them. There’s nothing to explain about them — you can’t explain emotion, not really. But they’re there.
Incidentally, saying to your partner, in the immortal words of The Spiral Starecase, “I love you more than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow” never comes off as saying “I don’t love you now.” It comes off as saying, “I love you.” If it doesn’t, you need to reexamine your skill with the English language.
True crapulence coming:
Secret #8: We don’t really understand what you’re talking about
You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex “issues” in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to “discuss” these issues? And during these “discussions,” your man sits there nodding and saying things like “Sure, I understand,” “That makes perfect sense” and “I’ll do better next time”?
Well, we don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense to us at all. And although we’d like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you’re talking about.
We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia.
Shut. Up. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
If your boss comes to you, and says, “Jenkins, we need to talk. I have some problems with your performance,” guess what? You listen. You comprehend. You are able to discuss it in a reasonable manner. You are capable of understanding another human being.
Women are human beings. They are not speaking a different language. They are saying things like, “When you leave the downstairs a mess for me to clean up, I feel like you’re saying you don’t care about me.” This is the woman you say you love, you say you want to be with forever, so when your partner comes to you and says that she has a problem with your performance in a relationship, why do you treat her with less respect than you do your boss?
If the woman you love tells you she’s concerned about something, isn’t that more important than your boss telling you that? Of course it is. And yet men are told it’s okay to simply blow our partners off, ignore their heartfelt needs, because that’s chick stuff, and it doesn’t matter.
Fuck that.
If your partner tells you something is important, it is important to her. Therefore, it is important to you, if a partnership is to mean anything. If you truly don’t understand what she’s saying, ask a few goddamn questions. If you disagree, say so. If you agree, follow through on what you say you’ll do.
Saying men can’t understand complex emotion is as deeply misandrist a statement as exists. We can, and we do. We may not always like what that tells us — if your wife says you don’t contribute to housework, you may not want to hear it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t hear it. You’re making the choice not to. And claiming anything otherwise is an insult to the intelligence of you, me, and most important, your partner, who deserves a whole lot better.
Secret #9: We are terrified when you drive
Want to know how to reduce your big, tough guy to a quivering mass of fear? Ask him for the car keys.
“I am scared to death when she drives,” says LaFlamme.
“Every time I ride with her, I fully accept that I may die at any moment,” says Buckingham.
“My wife has about one ‘car panic’ story a week — and it’s never her fault. All these horrible things just keep happening — it must be her bad luck,” says Andy Beshuk, 31, of Jefferson City, Missouri.
Even if your man is too diplomatic to tell you, he is terrified that you will turn him into a crash-test dummy.
Kill. Me. Now.
My ex-wife was and is a better driver than I am. She drove most of the time before we had a kid; once my daughter was born, she would usually be the one to sit with her — but not always. (Yes, I’m aware, in retrospect, that we both sort of went along with my male privilege there, at least most of the time. It’s not something I’m proud of.)
Regardless, I never felt like my life was in danger when my ex was driving; I might sometimes wish she would go faster or something, but it didn’t especially bother me. I like driving, so I’d drive when I got the opportunity. But it didn’t bother me when she drove.
Women are safer drivers than men, by and large. That doesn’t mean there aren’t female drivers who are bad, or male drivers who are good. But at some point, we need to start letting stereotypes from the 1950s die.
Secret #10: We’ll always wish we were 25 again
Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But as much as we love being with you now, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. “Springsteen concerts, the ‘91 Mets, the Clinton presidency — most guys reminisce about the days when life was good, easy and free of responsibility,” says Rob Aronson, 41, of Livingston, New Jersey, who’s been married for 11 years. “At 25 you can get away with things you just can’t get away with at 40.”
While it doesn’t mean we’re leaving you to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from Pep Boys with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD.
Oh, sure, everyone would like to ignore their responsibilities and hearken back to our youths, once in a while. I’d be happy to be physically 25 forever. But alas, we’re all going to get old and die. It’s inevitable. That doesn’t mean one can’t take chances in life, one can. But it’s simply the truth that a parent owes it to his child to be at least somewhat responsible. A man or woman owes it to their partner to be at least somewhat responsible. That’s life. If you don’t want to be responsible, don’t get married and don’t have kids. There’s no shame in that.
The thing about this is, again, this is as true for women as it is for men. You think your wife doesn’t occasionally miss the nights she could go clubbing with friends, pick up a cute guy and bring him home? Right. All of us occasionally would like some breaks from responsibility. The key, as always, is balance — if you bring home the leather steering wheel, she gets to buy her car the eight-ball gearshift knob, or buy herself the Rick Springfield album. Fair’s fair.
Secret #11: Give us an inch and we’ll give you a lifetime
I was on a trip to Mexico, standing on a beach, waxing my surfboard and admiring the glistening 10-foot waves, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was three years before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.
Why? Because she’d let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing a man never told you: If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing — by ourselves — our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it.
And that’s the truth.
This is true, but it’s true for everyone. As I said way back up top, it’s all about balance. It’s great for people to be able to get away and do things on their own once in a while. But people, not men. If your wife said she and the girls were going to go to Mexico and go surfing, would you be fine with that? Maybe you would be, and if so, great — fair’s fair. But if you’re thinking, “Whoa, why are they all going to Mexico?” then you’re falling into privilege.
Ultimately, that’s what this list is. It’s a long defense of the male privilege to go away, to disconnect, to ignore unpleasantries, to regress to childhood at will. It doesn’t work that way. The thing is, women and men alike need time alone, need time apart, need freedom and trust from their partner — and owe freedom and trust in return. Honesty, balance, and fairness are the keys to a happy relationship. In a relationship where those are the watchwords, not one thing on this list would need to be a secret (except for the stupid “We don’t understand you” thing). It’s only when what’s sauce for the gander is not sauce for the goose that these things become problematic.
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