HELLO BEAUTIFUL

31 Dec 2005, 03:33
author: EVILGRIN
title: FOR WHAT WAS LOST
pairing: Riddick / Ava Black ( orig. Evilgrin character )
fandom:PB
rating: PG13, I guess, for language, miscarriage
disclaimer:: nope, don’t own Riddick, except right here in my head that is, Ava is right out of my demented brain
summary: several years after Riddick and Ava have been together, Ava gets pregnant, but it’s not meant to be
archive:: fdb, vx
feedback: in this thread only, and please, no shreds, constructive criticism only
A/N: Riddick thoughts/conversations are in italic
Copyright ©2005xxxevilgrinxxx
:: FOR WHAT WAS LOST::

I had never thought I would see you cry. There may have been a time, a long fucking time ago, when I would have sought an edge. That I would have sought to play mind games with you. Thought that if I could make you afraid of me, that I could control you better. Fear never did it. You were never afraid, or you never let it rule you, even when you were. You sure as hell weren’t afraid of me. Some dark part of me always wondered what would break you. I hated myself for even looking.

~~~~I knew even before you knew yourself. Your scent changed. Deeper. Sexier somehow. I didn’t want to say anything. We both knew it could happen, hell, part of us wanted it to. I know I wanted it to. That day, as I took the syringe out of your hand, wouldn’t let you inject yourself anymore. Not after all this time. Waiting to be sure……………..

You cry silently, your hand in your mouth, fighting against any sound. Your body tightens against mine, trying desperately to stop before you slip out of control, giving way to the terrible pain within you.

~~~~It took almost a month for you to know for sure, your face pale, a hint of panic, as you ran the tests yourself, twice. One week late………….

I’ve never once seen you cry. Not once, not in any of the things that have happened, or that we’ve done or said to each other in all this time. I’m not a nice person, Ava. I hurt people who get close. I think I hurt them because they get close. I still never hurt you in that way. I might have done a lot of things that I could have done better, but I never made you cry.

~~~~Sickness setting in, hard to find something that won’t make you throw up. Your nerves shot, as you tell me. You’re six weeks gone. Not long. Your face resigned for bad news. I remember once before, when you told me something you thought I might take badly. I didn’t take it badly. How could I. I had known even longer than you knew yourself. Telling you I loved you was once the hardest thing I’d ever thought I could say. I imagine this was the hardest thing you’d ever had to say to me. Pregnant………….

I feel completely powerless to help you. Everything in me wants to make this better. There’s nothing I can say, nothing I can do, nothing I can offer you. I can’t kill or hurt or harm anyone else to make it better. How do you kill a random chance event? I hate sitting here, holding you, knowing there’s nothing, nothing in the fucking world, that I can do. All I can do is hold you. Even then, I want to run, be anywhere but on this floor, holding your sobbing body in my arms.

~~~~I’d been watching over you for weeks. Being careful with you. Like you would break. Run the medical scans to make sure you were all right. Sometimes just to tell myself it was true. Sometimes just to watch. Wondering where the hell I was going to take you when I couldn’t take care of you here anymore………….

My pain pales in comparison. I’ll never hurt the way you are right now. Can’t even come close. I can’t even cry, provided I could still do that anymore. I have no concept of the loss. Something unexpected, something I never thought I would have.

~~~~Waking up now, my arm around your little belly. You never had one before. I always loved sleeping with you Ava. So tired, you never get up before me now. So I stay in bed, my hand stroking your belly, and begin to think that maybe, just maybe…………..

My shirt soaked with your tears, so many tears. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible for anyone to cry so much. Your slender body, curled like a childs’, in my lap. Your breath coming ragged now, as exhaustion sets in, a low moan, as the sorrow is wrung from you, the sound a knife in my heart.

~~~~I always knew I loved you, Ava. From the first moment I woke up with you. I never wanted to admit it to myself, never wanted to admit that someone could get to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time. You’re asleep, my hand on your belly. I never thought I could feel a love deeper than that. That I could kiss your growing belly and love something I had never even seen………..

You lie still. So quiet now. Somehow this is even worse than the crying. Like there is something broken in you. All I can do is hold you, stroking your hair, your beautiful face, and try to tell you everything will be all right, baby, that it’ll all be okay. Wanting so much for that to be true.

~~~~That first scream, your hand tearing at my arm, as you crumple to the floor. Something’s wrong. I know I should get you to the med scanner, but I’m frozen, my mind numb. Your hand holding your belly, screaming, reach lower, pulling your hand back. Blood. So much blood. Just a random chance. The scanner says you’re all right. Sure, you’re healthy enough, your body will heal. But I don’t think either one of us is all right. All I want to do is make it better, the only way I know how, the only thing I can do. If you’ll give me the chance to try again………….

Try not to watch the blood pool out underneath you on the floor.